Friday, December 23, 2011

RE: Big Sisterhood Stinks

"I don't want to hold [Precious Gem] anymore, she smells bad, you need to change her or something!!!!" - Mini-Me to Scrubs

RE: Men's Cologne

"Deli Select...For the ladies" - Sally describing the guy next to her on her flight who smelled like a sandwich

RE: Hell Of A Growth Spurt

"[Precious Gem] is 6' 4" already." - E-mail from Wonder Woman to tell me my almost-3-week-old niece's WEIGHT

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

RE: All I Want For Christmas

"Just did a quick reading of your dad's letter...rock on.  Do you know my goal in my life is to die before your dad so I can be on the Death List?" - Stella after reading my dad's annual Christmas Letter and the part where he lists all the deaths of friends and family from throughout the year

Sunday, December 18, 2011

RE: Say It Isn't So!

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but apparently Cameron Diaz is at war with J-Lo." - Text from The Hubby while he was at the grocery store

Saturday, December 17, 2011

RE: Oldies, But Goodies

I stumbled upon some quotes I had on facebook and decided a trip down memory lane would be today's blog post. Please Enjoy!

This first batch is from Miley Bieber:

  • "Homeless people need to get it on, too." - I don't remember the context, but does it really matter? 
  • "I feel like I need to pick-up his suck." - This was about a co-worker; most people would probably say, "slack" not "suck," but that makes it awesome 
  • "I always wanted a stripper named Raul." - Again, don't remember the context 

Of course, Stella had to be on here:
  • "I need crabs. Can you send me crabs?" - Stella, actually taking about ingredients for a game on facebook 

This next one is from a woman I worked on a political campaign with: 
  • "The key to cabaret is to slither across the piano" 

Chef Gordon Ramsey had some good ones from his TV shows: 
  • "I feel like i need plastic wrap on my ass." 
  • "It's like King Kong's fucking condom!" 

The last one, for now, is really a favorite of mine: 
  • 'Family Feud' host: "Something people know about dragons?" 
        'Family feud' contestant: "They're extinct."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

RE: Is There Any Other Way?

"You know she likes her leather pants to be tight." - Overheard by Stella at Kohl's

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

RE: Do You Hear What I Hear?

While decorating their tree:

Birdman: I thought this was a chick singing this song.
Stella: It's Michael Jackson, isn't it?
Birdman: It's Hanson!!!

Monday, December 12, 2011

RE: Wonder What That Smells Like?

"WHERE IS MY WONDER WOMAN SHIT?" - E-mail from Wonder Woman after seeing what I had gotten some of my nieces for gifts

Thursday, December 8, 2011

RE: O, Christmas Tree

"I downloaded that and realized halfway through 'they're not talking about a Christmas tree at all!!!'" - My former boss talking about Lady Gaga's song, "Christmas Tree"

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

RE: Not Quite Right

"It's the top that the Chanukahnians gamble with." - Our friend's 12 year old son explaining a dreidel to his little sister 

Friday, December 2, 2011

RE: Confucius Run Out Of Things To Say

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A. A cloud. - From the fortune in my fortune cookie

RE: Falaffles

An exchange a friend from high school experienced:

CSR in Grocery Store: Hi, Miss! Are you finding everything okay?
Me: Hi! Well, actually, I am looking for Andy's Frozen Falafel. Do you still carry it?
CSR: I'm not sure. Let me ask the Frozen Foods Manager. Jim, do you still have Annie's Frozen Waffles? An exchange a friend from high school experienced

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

RE: Air Travel Can Be Very Risky

"Chick with no eyebrows freaking me out. 1 dirty hippy will be on my flight. Hope he doesn't sit next to me. Probably smells like patchouli and angst. And a dog that looks like a dead Betty White afro will be on my flight. I really think its dead..." And, a few hours later: "The guy sitting next to me spent 2.5 hours picking shit off his back and putting it on his tray table. Then he proceeded to dig in his nose for the rest of the time. Sooo skeeved out...I actually retched a bit. He kept elbowing my fat roll when he was picking his back." - Stella about her adventures in flying

Monday, November 28, 2011

RE: It's A Cleveland Thing

"I want to punch myself in the face for even watching the Browns today..." - Stella after a Cleveland Browns' loss

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Friday, November 25, 2011

RE: Eye Rogaine

"Now that's too much Latisse!" - The Hubby after seeing Lady Gaga in this video (not how she looks in the frozen image below):

Monday, November 21, 2011

RE: Now That's Fast?

"My heart is pounding a million times a mile." - One of the wives on "Sister Wives"

Sunday, November 20, 2011

RE: An Oldie But Goodie

"Just think people all over the world will be sitting down to turkey dinners today!!" - My step-grandma, years ago; we didn't burst her vision of world unity

Friday, November 18, 2011

RE: Some Words Mean More Than One Thing

The Hubby: I once backhanded a guy in the temple.
My immediate thought: What were you doing in a Jewish place of worship?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

RE: Potato, Potahto

"I need to get some of that Chinese." - Miley Bieber walking by SAKRU JAPAN at the food court

Saturday, November 12, 2011

RE: Now That's Dedication

"Each fry is whittled down from a whole potato, by hand." - The Hubby on how hand-cut potatoes are made

RE: Rock & Roll All Nite On The Highway To Hell

Pi overheard one student telling another student that KISS and AC/DC are the same band.  But, only called KISS when in make-up.

RE: 8 Year Old Angst

"I can't wait for [Mini-Me] to feel the pains of being an older sister!!!" - Cinderella having a moment with her little sister

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

RE: What Happened To 8 Is Enough?

Stella: The Duggar mom is pregnant again?!?!
Me: Fuck no!
Stella: My vagina hurts just thinking about it.
Me: Hers is a giant callous, I'm sure.
Stella: Totally gross.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

RE: Proud To Be An American

"Do you know which country is the only country that isn't Americanized?  Africa." - Overheard by Stella at a dinner party

Saturday, November 5, 2011

RE: Seen But Not Heard

So, this isn't a quote post, but it is really something that I feel needs to be written about and shared.  I was in the restroom at a movie theater.  It was after some movies let out, so it was busy in there.  The first thing to happen was a loud ringtone going off and a woman a couple stalls down answers it and starts a conversation.  I will never understand this, especially when a whole bunch of toilets start flushing mid-conversation.  It's annoying but not gross, I know.

Let me get to the second experience.  I leave my stall and walk toward the sinks.  I pass a lady coming out of another stall.  She is carrying a large bag popcorn and eating it.  She stops and continues to eat while another lady exits another stall, also eating from a large bag of popcorn.  The two of them proceed to the exit of the restroom, walking right by the sinks with post-bathroom-use-hands digging in the bags.

Finally, phone lady comes out and is holding the phone and talking, with no move toward the sinks.

The reason I was able to witness all of this: I WAS WASHING MY HANDS!!!

RE: The Official Food Of Poland

"I'm from Poland, mushrooms are important to me." - Woman on "Kitchen Nightmares"

RE: What's UP?

"Oh boy!  My underwear wedged so far up my butt, I need surgery to remove it." -  Holla when walking/jogging a dog

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Saturday, October 29, 2011

RE: So, That's Not Sand?

Thecla to a little boy: Were you at the beach today?
The little boy's mom: He has psoriasis.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

RE: Surprisingly, NOT Paula Abdul

Discussing the other female judge on "The X-Factor:"

Me: What is with the judge chick dressing like Pocahontas?
Stella: She seems as if she has two brain cells...and they hate each other.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

RE: It's The Answer Blowing

"This wind is so breezy!" - Miley Bieber as we walked to the parking lot

Friday, October 7, 2011

RE: The Belt: Protector Of Ass Crack

"This pizza is like CRACK!  BUT[t] you shouldn't eat too much of it.  Oh, is that the FireCRACKER one?" - The Hubby's subtle way of drawing attention to the guy in front of us having a plumber's crack

RE: Why Is Pizza Sauce Red?

"I don't eat tomatoes...I hate tomatoes...Tomatoes should be outlawed." - A guy at the pizza buffet we went to for lunch

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

RE: You Probably Should Count Me Out

After receiving a random FB event invitation:

Me: Yeah, unfortunately, I am unable to attend.
Stella:, too. I have diarrhea that day.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

RE: Those Aussies Know How To Suck It Up!

"I was watching Australian rules football the other night.  It's the closest thing to legal homicide.  One guy dislocated his shoulder, he was back in 2 plays.  Another guy's nose was on the side of his face and he was laughing!  Here?  Jesus Christ!  Travis Hafner farts funny and he's on the disabled list for 6 weeks!" - Mr. R being amazed at the dedication of the Aussies compared to American athletes

RE: New MPAA Rating?

"The movie was awesome even though it was rated PU." - Holla talking about "Dolphin Tale" and her horribly gassy state when seeing it

RE: You Can Say That Again

"If you Farkle, you're fuckled." - The Hubby to his mom while playing Farkle

Saturday, October 1, 2011

RE: Tomato, Tomahto

"There's the Catholics, the Lutheran, and the Angel-can." - Guy waiting for a table at a restaurant

Friday, September 30, 2011

RE: No Pressure

"If it doesn't work out, I don't have no other choice than to die." - Woman on "Kitchen Nightmares" revealing what will happen if Gordon Ramsey can't get her restaurant back up and running

Thursday, September 29, 2011

RE: I Don't Know That I'd Go That Far

"I love hippo" - My text to The Hubby that should have read, "I love you," but swype interpreted incorrectly

RE: Maybe They Didn't Have Enough Letters

"50 PC NUGETTS" - Sign Stella saw at a McDonald's

RE: Not Hearing That

It seems this week has been lacking in posts.  I've been a bit zoned out, so I haven't noticed any awesome quotes to post.  I am sure there were many, unfortunately, I didn't get them documented.  So, come on people, say some thing BRILLIANT! 

Friday, September 23, 2011

RE: Say It Isn't So!

"Oh no, Regis is not on "Regis and Kelly" today! I love him! He is sooooo funny!" -Mini-me in front of the TV this morning

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

RE: Who's Da Man?

Me: Did you watch "Two And A Half Men?" I know how excited you were for Ashton Kutcher.
Sally: Oh, best episode of my life! He was all, "Heyyyy..... I'm awesome.  Ahahah and I'm sexy. Watch me go over here and be a douche!"
Me: So, not that much different than when Charlie Sheen was on?
Sally: Not at all! I can hardly tell!!! 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

RE: Picking Fruit

"She's a pearson." - The Hubby describing a woman with an unfortunate figure

Saturday, September 17, 2011

RE: Dog Gone It

Scrubs: Wasting an entire weekend sick as a dog...I don't really know what that means.  I'm looking at my dog right now and he looks way happier and healthier than me.
Me: But he also poops outside and sniffs crotches, so sick as a dog may have to do with the mental types of illnesses.

RE: I'm An Enabler, Not A Coach

Stella:"I need someone to push me...and I need someone who I have to be accountable to.
Me: I'd offer but I don't think I am disciplined enough to hold anyone else accountable.
Stella: Ha...yeah...
Me: I wouldn't be able to say anything to guilt trip you because my mouth would be too full of ice cream.
Stella: Ha...and I would be reading your "encouraging" text while eating a jr. bacon cheeseburger.

RE: You're 4, Not 104!

"Uncle...Uncle...Uncle Colorado likes Spider Man." - Mini-Me forgetting The Hubby's name, when trying to tell Wonder Woman about his Spidey fandom

Friday, September 16, 2011

RE: Who's The Stiff?

"Too bad someone couldn't make Chuck Testa more lifelike." - The Hubby after seeing this: 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

RE: Underneath A Sycamore Tree

"Terence Trent D'Arby, I bet you still wish you had a wishing well...but for your career." - something I posted on a social networking site which seemed to entertain folks

RE: Listen Here!

"You want me to sit down and have a serious talk with your uterus?" - Stella during a discussion about my desire to get pregnant

Sunday, September 11, 2011

RE: Now That's Offensive!

"Is it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says your hair smells nice?" - A former co-worker, just being himself

Saturday, September 10, 2011

RE: Standing By One Another

"When River Phoenix died, they honored him by going to see his dead body." - The Hubby, about the "Stand By Me" cast

Friday, September 9, 2011

RE: It's A Dangerous Job, But Somebody Has To Do It

"I got drop kicked by a mannequin a couple days ago, straight shot to the ribs. Didn't hurt at the time, but it sure does now!" - My former supervisor describing one of the many hazards of our job

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

RE: Alive & Well In NYC!

Stella: So, watching "Big Sexy"...I seriously think the really tall one is a drag queen.
Me: I KNOW, ME, TOO!!!!
Stella: WTF is with her fucking make-up?!  Why is so WHITE?!
Me, No idea
Stella: I think she is actually John Candy from the movie "Armed & Dangerous.
Me: HA
Stella: It's nice to know that he didn't really die and is just living as a plus size model in NYC.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

RE: Thanks?

"You might enjoy this.  It's kind of weird." - The Hubby when sending me this link

Saturday, September 3, 2011

RE: Get Me Some Sausage And Make It A Double!

Stella: It smells like smoked meats.
Birdman: It's intoxicating.
Stella: Ha!
Birdman: You know how I like my smoked meats.

Friday, September 2, 2011

RE: Popsicles, I Hope

"We have otter pops for dessert if anyone wants something to suck on." - One of our friends

RE: Wussy

"Someone slap that fucking tinman!  What a pussy!" - The Hubby talking about what would be considered corny but wasn't in its day

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

RE: Hello, Children's Services?

"I would slap the taste right out of that kid's mouth." - Birdman regarding one of the kids on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

RE: That Calls For Some Rehab!

"Ke$ha looks like a crack whore hit in the face with a meth lab." - a text from Stella

Friday, August 26, 2011

RE: Take That Bitchy Bride

"A little more bat to the face." - The Hubby responding to a bride from "Four Weddings" stating that she thought another bride could have had a little something more.

RE: Price Comparison

"How are the prices compared to the Cathedral Buffet?" - Birdman also in response to hearing about the International House of Prayer movement

RE: Prayer and Pancakes

"Would you like a side of  Hallelujah with your Rootie-Tootie-Fresh-And-Fruity?" - Stella regarding the International House of Prayer movement

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

RE: Those Damned Scandinavians

"We're supposed to get a Norwegian" - Teresa from "Real Housewives of New Jersey" regarding a weather forecast of a Nor'easter 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

RE: The Isle of Diabeetus

Stella's nephew #1: My friends are funnier cause they are ethnically diverse.
Stella's nephew #2: Yeah..they are black, Jewish, and diabetic.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

RE: Reality Show Jackass

Brendon from "Big Brother": Sorry, I can be a bit of a baby sometimes.
The Hubby, to the TV: Yeah!  When you're AWAKE!

Monday, August 1, 2011

RE: The Old Lady

"She's got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel." - One of my father-in-law's friends about his lady friend

Thursday, July 28, 2011

RE: Stop Acting Like One

"Don't patronize me and treat me like an asshole." - Overheard by Stella while at a car dealership

Sunday, July 24, 2011

RE: AL Central

"The Indians being down 0-3 is like trying to climb up a mountain blind with no legs." - Mr. R. during Indians' game

RE: Won't You Be My Neigbhor?

"I'm not 100% sure, it could be the lack of sleep, but I'm pretty sure I just saw a naked man riding a bike down our street." - text from Stella

Saturday, July 23, 2011

RE: Whiney Bitches!

"I want to punch her so hard her tittays become a goiter on her back" - me being annoyed by Rachel on "Big Brother"

RE: Did She Really Just Say That?

"If I had more balls in my mouth, I'd look like a gerbil." - Jordan on "Big Brother"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

RE: Now That's Hot

"My sweat is sweating sweat." - Holla describing how hot a day it was.

Monday, July 18, 2011

RE: Genius

"I'm sorry if I made you feel demasculatized." - Rachel, "Big Brother 13"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

RE: Checking Out

"The only one I give a break to is the really old lady...She only has so many customers left to ring out." - Mr. R. commenting on the cashiers at a grocery/deep discount store.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

RE: What Was That?

Holla: Did you just fart?
Pi: No, my sandal just flew off.
Holla: That's what they all say.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

RE: Lookin' Good!

"That guy's got party in the back and business casual in the front." - The Hubby on a mullet we saw

RE: Ummmmm...Okay

"I think there should just be towns." - Sally derailing her own train of thought

Friday, July 8, 2011

RE: Eau de Parfum

Mini-Me: What is that I smell?
Scrubs: I don't know, what does it smell like?
Mini-Me: Ummmm, dog perfume !!!!!!!!!!

RE: Can You Narrow It Down A Little?

"So I am at the West Side Market with [Holla] sitting outside & I am pretty sure the girl at the bus stop is from "The Real World" some time ago.  ANNOYING GIRL BUT FORGET NAME." - Pi texting me about someone who could be pretty much anyone from that show through the years

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

RE: Horrible Pageant Mom

"She should get a flipper." - The Hubby commenting on a mom on "Toddlers & Tiaras" who was missing some teeth

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

RE: Team Building

"We could all watch the Justin Bieber movie.  That would be some good bondage." - Miley Bieber on team BONDING, not bondage

RE: Seeing Things

"If you only had one eye, you'd have trouble, too." - a lady at 4th of July fireworks

RE: Accentuating the Positive

"Everybody is attractive in some way or another.  But, that's probably because I stare at people until I find something attractive." - Sally

Sunday, July 3, 2011

RE: Bitchy Brides

"Someone kill that bitch already!"- Mr. R commenting on an episode of "Bridezillas"