"Joe Thomas. That piece of shit. What a piece of shit. Joe Thomas is a piece of shit! I will PUKE if he makes the Pro-Bowl again this year. I. WILL. PUKE!!" - Mr. R upon watching the Cleveland Browns
Messages from Stella: My dad: If my blood pressure isn't at 180 I must be dead. My mom: Then turn the game off. My dad: There's nothing else on. and: There is nothing like a Browns' game to make my parents start going at each other like a set up to a future "Dateline" with Keith Morrison episode.
And so begin the football season messages from Stella: Our QB is already out with a concussion. Johnny F'n Football is in already. The first Browns extra point attempt took 3 times with 3 flags that took it back to a 48 yard attempt. I'm shocked the kicker's leg didn't fall off. My parents are already not speaking to each other. Welcome to Browns Football 2015. Browns Sunday: Getting my dad a foil hat for Christmas. He truly believes all games are fixed. My dad just called the ref an "assburg." Me: Did you just call him an assburg? My dad: I dunno. Does it matter? Jets player injured. Being taken off on backboard. My mom points at the tv and says "Look how cute!" I was brought up by savages. My dad: You have no chance at winning. Just injure all of them. Kill them all. My mom is now in on the conspiracy theory. I said to my dad: You two are really in shitty moods today. My dad: It's football season. Announcer: It's begi...
Stella: Pittsburgh vs Baltimore tonight on Thursday Night Football. Is mom wandering through the house losing her mind just muttering "bastards?" Mr. R: Mom found the perfect solution. She's sleeping.
Mr. R watching the season opener for the Browns. :50 seconds left in the 1st quarter and Pitt scores: "If they would have hung on for less than a minute more, they could have been tied at the end of the 1st quarter. Cleveland could have called this a successful season then. Too late now." *** "This is shameful for Cleveland! SHAMEFUL!! Gimme some cookies."
"I was watching Australian rules football the other night. It's the closest thing to legal homicide. One guy dislocated his shoulder, he was back in 2 plays. Another guy's nose was on the side of his face and he was laughing! Here? Jesus Christ! Travis Hafner farts funny and he's on the disabled list for 6 weeks!" - Mr. R being amazed at the dedication of the Aussies compared to American athletes