Monday, April 2, 2018


Message from Stella about Mr. R.:

My dad just told me that he believes Baron Trump is actually Donald Trump's lovechild with Ivanka. I am SO vomiting right now.

Monday, February 12, 2018

RE: Shit & Sarcasm --- Sarcasm & Shit

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more?
The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that?
The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that?
The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt!
The Hubby: That was sarcasm!
The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"?
The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb.
The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about?
The Hubby: Well... yeah.
The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate...
The Hubby: Okay...
The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart!
The Hubby: I get it!
The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018


"A Chihuahua is the Emotional Support Animal that would need its own Emotional Support Animal." - The Hubby

Sunday, January 28, 2018

RE: Where Babies Literally Come From

A friend's post on Facebook:
Me: I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it.
9yo: That’s not true, mommy did.
Me: That’s not the point!

Monday, September 4, 2017

RE: They're At It Again

The Hubby: You smell really nice after your bath!
The Doggie: Yeah? Well, you smell like ass.
The Hubby: Dude!
The Doggie: What? I was just returning the compliment...

Friday, August 11, 2017

RE: This Spot Has A Nice Bouquet

The Doggie: Hold on, I need to smell this...
The Hubby: What is it now?
The Doggie: Someone peed here.
The Hubby: What?! You just spent five minutes smelling pee back there.
The Doggie: Yeah, but this is different pee.
The Hubby: It's pee! How different could it be?
The Doggie: Obviously you know nothing about pee. The last one had a hardy bouquet with woody overtones. This one is much lighter, almost floral, and... [sniff-sniff-sniff] ...yes, just a hint of butt.
The Hubby: Hey, you know what you are? You're a smell-ier! Get it? Like a sommelier, but for smells.
The Doggie: ...
The Hubby: Wait, no! You're a connois-sewer!
The Doggie: Ugh. You're going to make fun of me for smelling pee, while you drop those stink-bombs?

Saturday, June 24, 2017

RE: A Dog Walks Up To A Water Bowl...

The Doggie: Hey, can you give me some feedback on my standup routine?
The Hubby: Sure, let's hear what you've got.
The Doggie: Okay. (ahem) So, the other day I was trying to buy a new stereo. I go into the store, and there's this bird--
The Hubby: Let me stop you right there. Is this going to involve woofers and tweeters?
The Doggie: ...yeah...
The Hubby: I'd stay away from puns. Got anything else?
The Doggie: Uh, how about this... You ever notice how Irish setters sniff butts like "It's time for a weeeee bit o' the butt sniffin'" and German shepherds sniff butts like "Ja! Now is ze time to sniffen ze butts!"
The Hubby: Eh...
The Doggie: Too breedist?
The Hubby: Well, kinda, but it's also really hacky. Like, that's 1985 open mic material. The accents were good, though!
The Doggie: Oh...
The Hubby: Hey, don't be discouraged. Just keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll come up with something!
The Doggie: Okay. Actually, I did have one other idea. I was thinking I could tell little stories about you and me. Like, I'd canopomorphize you, and--
The Hubby: What's canopomorphize?
The Doggie: That's when you assign canine attributes to non-canine objects.
The Hubby: Oh, I get it, so you'd make it out like I could talk like a dog?
The Doggie: Right. And I'd just talk about how you're constantly perplexed by the simplest things, like how I poop and stuff. Like you'd just be obsessed with my basic bodily functions. Or you couldn't figure out why I bark when I hear dangerous intruders outside. Stuff like that.
The Hubby: Hmm. Sounds like really solid material. If you could pull it off, I think it'd be great. One thing, though. That sounds like it would be more suited to occasional Facebook posts than a standup routine.
The Doggie: Okay, I can see that. Oh, and eventually, once I'd run out of ideas, I could just get really meta with it.
The Hubby: Ooh, I like that!