Monday, February 12, 2018

RE: Shit & Sarcasm --- Sarcasm & Shit

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more?
The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that?
The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that?
The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt!
The Hubby: That was sarcasm!
The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"?
The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb.
The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about?
The Hubby: Well... yeah.
The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate...
The Hubby: Okay...
The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart!
The Hubby: I get it!
The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018


"A Chihuahua is the Emotional Support Animal that would need its own Emotional Support Animal." - The Hubby

Sunday, January 28, 2018

RE: Where Babies Literally Come From

A friend's post on Facebook:
Me: I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it.
9yo: That’s not true, mommy did.
Me: That’s not the point!

Monday, September 4, 2017

RE: They're At It Again

The Hubby: You smell really nice after your bath!
The Doggie: Yeah? Well, you smell like ass.
The Hubby: Dude!
The Doggie: What? I was just returning the compliment...

Friday, August 11, 2017

RE: This Spot Has A Nice Bouquet

The Doggie: Hold on, I need to smell this...
The Hubby: What is it now?
The Doggie: Someone peed here.
The Hubby: What?! You just spent five minutes smelling pee back there.
The Doggie: Yeah, but this is different pee.
The Hubby: It's pee! How different could it be?
The Doggie: Obviously you know nothing about pee. The last one had a hardy bouquet with woody overtones. This one is much lighter, almost floral, and... [sniff-sniff-sniff] ...yes, just a hint of butt.
The Hubby: Hey, you know what you are? You're a smell-ier! Get it? Like a sommelier, but for smells.
The Doggie: ...
The Hubby: Wait, no! You're a connois-sewer!
The Doggie: Ugh. You're going to make fun of me for smelling pee, while you drop those stink-bombs?

Saturday, June 24, 2017

RE: A Dog Walks Up To A Water Bowl...

The Doggie: Hey, can you give me some feedback on my standup routine?
The Hubby: Sure, let's hear what you've got.
The Doggie: Okay. (ahem) So, the other day I was trying to buy a new stereo. I go into the store, and there's this bird--
The Hubby: Let me stop you right there. Is this going to involve woofers and tweeters?
The Doggie: ...yeah...
The Hubby: I'd stay away from puns. Got anything else?
The Doggie: Uh, how about this... You ever notice how Irish setters sniff butts like "It's time for a weeeee bit o' the butt sniffin'" and German shepherds sniff butts like "Ja! Now is ze time to sniffen ze butts!"
The Hubby: Eh...
The Doggie: Too breedist?
The Hubby: Well, kinda, but it's also really hacky. Like, that's 1985 open mic material. The accents were good, though!
The Doggie: Oh...
The Hubby: Hey, don't be discouraged. Just keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll come up with something!
The Doggie: Okay. Actually, I did have one other idea. I was thinking I could tell little stories about you and me. Like, I'd canopomorphize you, and--
The Hubby: What's canopomorphize?
The Doggie: That's when you assign canine attributes to non-canine objects.
The Hubby: Oh, I get it, so you'd make it out like I could talk like a dog?
The Doggie: Right. And I'd just talk about how you're constantly perplexed by the simplest things, like how I poop and stuff. Like you'd just be obsessed with my basic bodily functions. Or you couldn't figure out why I bark when I hear dangerous intruders outside. Stuff like that.
The Hubby: Hmm. Sounds like really solid material. If you could pull it off, I think it'd be great. One thing, though. That sounds like it would be more suited to occasional Facebook posts than a standup routine.
The Doggie: Okay, I can see that. Oh, and eventually, once I'd run out of ideas, I could just get really meta with it.
The Hubby: Ooh, I like that!

Friday, June 23, 2017

RE: Pee Pee Patterns

TheHubby posting again:

The Doggie on a walk: I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and...

The Doggie in the back yard, while I'm waiting to go to bed: Should I pee here? No, that's not right. How about here? No... Oh, I know, I'll pee right h-- nope, that's not it either... Hmm...