Monday, September 4, 2017

RE: They're At It Again

The Hubby: You smell really nice after your bath!
The Doggie: Yeah? Well, you smell like ass.
The Hubby: Dude!
The Doggie: What? I was just returning the compliment...

Friday, August 11, 2017

RE: This Spot Has A Nice Bouquet

The Doggie: Hold on, I need to smell this...
The Hubby: What is it now?
The Doggie: Someone peed here.
The Hubby: What?! You just spent five minutes smelling pee back there.
The Doggie: Yeah, but this is different pee.
The Hubby: It's pee! How different could it be?
The Doggie: Obviously you know nothing about pee. The last one had a hardy bouquet with woody overtones. This one is much lighter, almost floral, and... [sniff-sniff-sniff] ...yes, just a hint of butt.
The Hubby: Hey, you know what you are? You're a smell-ier! Get it? Like a sommelier, but for smells.
The Doggie: ...
The Hubby: Wait, no! You're a connois-sewer!
The Doggie: Ugh. You're going to make fun of me for smelling pee, while you drop those stink-bombs?

Saturday, June 24, 2017

RE: A Dog Walks Up To A Water Bowl...

The Doggie: Hey, can you give me some feedback on my standup routine?
The Hubby: Sure, let's hear what you've got.
The Doggie: Okay. (ahem) So, the other day I was trying to buy a new stereo. I go into the store, and there's this bird--
The Hubby: Let me stop you right there. Is this going to involve woofers and tweeters?
The Doggie: ...yeah...
The Hubby: I'd stay away from puns. Got anything else?
The Doggie: Uh, how about this... You ever notice how Irish setters sniff butts like "It's time for a weeeee bit o' the butt sniffin'" and German shepherds sniff butts like "Ja! Now is ze time to sniffen ze butts!"
The Hubby: Eh...
The Doggie: Too breedist?
The Hubby: Well, kinda, but it's also really hacky. Like, that's 1985 open mic material. The accents were good, though!
The Doggie: Oh...
The Hubby: Hey, don't be discouraged. Just keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll come up with something!
The Doggie: Okay. Actually, I did have one other idea. I was thinking I could tell little stories about you and me. Like, I'd canopomorphize you, and--
The Hubby: What's canopomorphize?
The Doggie: That's when you assign canine attributes to non-canine objects.
The Hubby: Oh, I get it, so you'd make it out like I could talk like a dog?
The Doggie: Right. And I'd just talk about how you're constantly perplexed by the simplest things, like how I poop and stuff. Like you'd just be obsessed with my basic bodily functions. Or you couldn't figure out why I bark when I hear dangerous intruders outside. Stuff like that.
The Hubby: Hmm. Sounds like really solid material. If you could pull it off, I think it'd be great. One thing, though. That sounds like it would be more suited to occasional Facebook posts than a standup routine.
The Doggie: Okay, I can see that. Oh, and eventually, once I'd run out of ideas, I could just get really meta with it.
The Hubby: Ooh, I like that!

Friday, June 23, 2017

RE: Pee Pee Patterns

The Hubby posting again:

The Doggie on a walk: I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and...

The Doggie in the back yard, while I'm waiting to go to bed: Should I pee here? No, that's not right. How about here? No... Oh, I know, I'll pee right h-- nope, that's not it either... Hmm...

Thursday, June 22, 2017

RE: That's My Boy

Posted by The Hubby:

The Doggie, hearing literally any noise outside: Oh my god, there's someone out there! Battle stations! They're trying to get us! Why aren't you freaking out, this is serious! I'll try to scare them off by growling and barking!

The Doggie, when literally anyone comes into the house: Oh my god, company! Hi, hi there! Come in! Hello, hi! I'm so happy to see you, hello! Here, have a stuffed animal!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

RE: Pet Pooping

The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.
The Hubby: Okay.
The Doggie: Just let me get into position, and... psych!
The Hubby: ?
The Doggie: I'm not going to poop there, ha ha! It was a prank!
The Hubby: How is that a prank?
The Doggie: You just got [Doggied], son! Ha ha ha!
The Hubby: Okay...
The Doggie: Ha ha ha ha! Hoooo boy... I can't believe you fell for that!
The Hubby: Whatever. Let's go.
The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

RE: He's Got A Point

Friends' 11 yr. old: Let's go look at the protesters while we're waiting for our White House tour.
Friend: How do you know there will be protesters?
Friends' 11 yr. old: It's a weekend, and Trump won the election.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

RE: Puke's Color Commentary

"Dead silence just sitting here with my parents watching the Cavs game. Go to commercial break and my dad just yells out, "I wanna puke in this guy's face." Apparently, he is not happy with color announcer this series. My mom is in the kitchen practically pissing her pants laughing. We thought he fell asleep" - Message from Stella regarding Mr. R.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

RE: Maybe She's Onto Something

From my brother:

After the commish announced, "The Cleveland Browns draft ......"
Precious Gem says: They got a giraffe?
Me: Not a giraffe, draft!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

RE: Human Anatomy

"Humans are made of three things; dreams, bones, and memories." - Friends' little boy

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

RE: Whale Sounds

Overheard by Stella and Birdman at an international film festival.

Guy next to us: You go see a movie made in Wales. What language would you think that movie would be in?
Lady behind us: Welsh? Maybe English?
Guy next to us: Who knew Wales even had their own language?!?! I thought maybe it would be in German.

RE: A Commentary On Russian Literature

A friend's 11 yr. old son on the friend's taste in fiction:
"The only three people who like 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑷𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 are Dostoevsky, Dostoevsky's mother, and you."

Saturday, March 25, 2017

RE: Expanding Their Product Line

"I don't like fancy ketchup. I like some good ol' Hanes." - Me being, well, me

RE: Make 'Em Laugh

My Dad to Stella: You should sit down here so you can make me laugh.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

RE: What Lotion Do You Use?

"That's why I'm ticklish everywhere, because of your soft fingers." - The Precious Gem to The Hubby

Monday, March 20, 2017

RE: Did She Have Smellevision?

Precious Gem: Daddy?
My Brother: What?
Precious Gem: You smell like Simone Biles!

RE: "Hair, flow it, show it/Long as God can grow, my hair"

"Hello, and welcome to Carlo's Shitty Wig Emporium, home of the world's most atrocious hairpieces."
"Hey, wig guy, I'm Gene Simmons. You probably know me from being a world-class douche nozzle."
"Aren't you in KISS?"
"Yeah, that's my side gig. Listen, what I'm looking for is a wig that will make my head look like the head of a penis. Just a big, mushroom-like dome."
"Hmm. An unusual request. May I interest you in this one, that looks like a massive spider orgy?"
"No, I had my heart set on the cock head."
"Ah, here's a popular one. It looks like a cotton candy cow pie. We call it 'El Presidente.'"
"Look, wig dude, you're not listening to me. I want my wig to reflect the contents of my pants and the contents of my soul. I want to look like a walking prick."
"I see. Well, I'll have to order it special for you."
"That's what I want. Unless... Can you make my head look like a literal asshole? Like a big, hairy anus?"
"I'm afraid that's beyond the capabilities of modern wig technology."
"Okay, then, dickhead it is."
"Very good, sir. I just need to take some measurements..."

RE: Driving Miss Little Lady

"How come [Hockey Girl] can drive when she's not a parent?" - Precious Gem regarding my 19 year old niece

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

RE: Soylent Green Is People

I looked over and saw a recipe out of the corner of my eye. I read one of the ingredients as, "homeless and skinless chicken breasts".

Saturday, March 4, 2017

RE: Well, You Do Have A Point

Today, as I was walking [The Doggie], we came upon a woman with 4 small children. I took [The Doggie] of the path and onto the grass as we approached. When we passed the group, one of the kids asked to pet [The Doggie]. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea because [The Doggie] isn't always good around little kids. Then, after we were already passed, I hear a little voice say, "But I'm 6."

Thursday, March 2, 2017

RE: Nothing To See Here

Email from Wonder Woman:

"Today, Hockey Girl asked [Precious Gem] if she had a boyfriend. [Precious Gem] giggled and [Hockey Girl] said, 'I bet you do. What's his name?' [Precious Gem] came back with, 'His name is 'zero' cuz I don't have one.'

Good One."

Sunday, February 26, 2017

RE: Tough Actin' Tinactin

"I stick my foot in my mouth so much I get athlete's tongue." - A Cleveland Comic Convention attendee from 2/26/16

Thursday, January 19, 2017

RE: They're All The Same

Here's a memory from about 14 years ago.

Wonder Woman provided daycare for grandkids and a couple other non-related kids. One morning she was driving Holla to pre-school. It happened to be show-and-tell day. Holla was bringing a souvenir I gave her from one of my trips. Wonder Woman was trying to help Holla say, "El Salvador" in order to be ready for her show-and-tell. After much effort and some frustration, Holla informed Wonder Woman that she would "just say China".

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

RE: Family Ties

Email from my mom: 

A conversation [Precious Gem] and I had today.

Precious Gem:  So Grandma, is my Dad my real Dad or my Step-Dad?

Me: He's your real Dad.

Precious Gem:  So who's my Step-Dad?

Me: You don't have a Step-Dad.

Precious Gem: Why not?

Then I attempted to explain what it means to have a Step-Dad the best I could so she could understand.

After all this she says, "Well [friend] has a real Dad and a Step-Dad."
I then tried to explain why she does.  She is too much!

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

RE: Potty Stop

From my Facebook memories feed for today:

"...this may very well be the best part of any email her dad has EVER sent her, 'Your [Wonder Woman] is now laughing so hard she is peeing her pants once I showed her her various mispellings{sic}*, etc. She is now in the bathroom.'"

*Looks like he had one of his own.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

RE: Father Knows Worst

Friend's Facebook post:

"Me: Why don't you take everything I say seriously?

8yo: Because it's usually stupid or dangerous.

#truestory #valid"

Saturday, January 7, 2017

RE: Well, DUH, Mom!

Precious Gem is in pre-K and the class is working on phone #, home address, city and state. Scrubs was working with her and asked her where she lived. Her answer, "In my home".

Thursday, January 5, 2017

RE: Anywhere & Everywhere

"Food poisoning: It comes out of nowhere. Then it comes out of everywhere." - The Hubby's Facebook post upon my suffering from food poisoning

RE: Pet Petting

The Hubby (while giving extended belly rubs): I love you, Buddy!
The Doggie: What is "love"?
The Hubby: Hmm... It's caring about someone a whole lot. It's being really happy that someone is in your life.
The Doggie: Oh. Like how I feel about Ball.
The Hubby: Well, yeah, I guess. And I'm sure you love, uh, me...
The Doggie: Hmm...
The Hubby: I mean, you lick me a lot. I thought...
The Doggie: I lick you because your sweat tastes like ham.
The Hubby: ...Oh.
The Doggie: But I love ham. If that helps.
The Hubby: I'll take it.

As I scratch at [The Doggie's] side, he rolls onto his back, exposing his belly in an obvious invitation to rub it.

The Hubby: You're a belly slut. You give it up for nothin'!
The Doggie: Have you ever had your belly rubbed?
The Hubby: Well, uh... no.
The Doggie: That's what I thought. Don't talk about things you don't understand, virgin.