I Better Write That Down

The Hubby: Come on, Buddy, it's dark out. The Doggie: All the more reason to be vigilant. I may not be the hero {insert city} deserves, but I'm the hero it needs right now.

Doggie and The Hubby on a walk... Doggie: Hang on, I'm going to poop. The Hubby: Okay. Doggie: Okay, this is a good spot. Let me just... The Hubby: Hang on, don't do it there. Come over here a ways. Doggie: Oh, I shouldn't poop? The Hubby: Yes, go ahead, I just didn't want you to do it over there, right next to those people's window. Just do it over here. Doggie: I see, no pooping then. The Hubby: What? No, you can poop, just not over there. Go ahead. Doggie: I understand. I won't poop then. The Hubby: Why are you being like this? I think you're being passive-aggressive. Doggie: I don't know what that is. It sounds like a human thing. The Hubby: Are you going to poop or what? Doggie: No need. The Hubby: -sigh- Fine. Twenty minutes later, at home... Doggie: Take me out, I need to poop. *** Another walk with Doggie... Doggie: GRRRRR The Hubby: What's the matter? Doggie: I hate those guys so much! The Hubby: Who? You mean tho...

The Doggie: >HRK< I'm gonna >HRK< throw up! Here, I'll put it on the carpet. The Hubby: Wait, do it on this tissue! The Doggie: Get that out of my way, I can't >HRK< get to the carpet! HORK-GRK-GRAAAAH! There, made a nice big pile! The Hubby: Goddammit. The Doggie: Hey, there's more! >HRK< I'll make a new pile over here. The Hubby: Don't do it over there, put it here with the rest! The Doggie: HUUURGHHH! Woo, I didn't realize how much I had in me! The Hubby: ... The Doggie: Oh man, trifecta! >HRK< The Hubby: No, wait-- The Doggie: HHHHURK! The Hubby: Great, now there are three piles of vomit on the carpet. The Doggie: I know! Nice, right?

The Hubby: Can you hurry? It's cold out here! The Doggie: I don't feel cold. The Hubby: You're covered in fur! The Doggie: Well, maybe you should have worn something warmer than shorts and flip flops... The Hubby: My pants and shoes were all the way upstairs! The Doggie: How am I the one on the leash?

The Hubby had another great walk with The Doggie. As The Doggie and I were walking this morning, he stopped to sniff at a sign post, as he often does. This particular sniff was more thorough than most, and seemed to go on forever. Bored, and anxious about getting to work on time, I said, "Come on, that's enough." "You can't rush this," The Doggie said sagely. "Each scent tells a tale." "Yeah, 'Once upon a time, some dog peed here. The end.'" I gave his leash a petulant little tug. The Doggie looked at me with the infinite patience of a dog. I looked away. "Not just 'some dog,'" he said, as he closed his eyes and resumed sniffing the pole. "This dog is old... male. A Labrador, I think, or at least a lab mix. He was given to a child when he was a puppy. The boy loved him, but he forgot to feed him and clean up after him. His parents grew frustrated, and when the dog chewed up some shoes, they took him to th...

Found this oldie the other day: The Doggie: Gosh, mom, why'd we have to come inside? Me: Because it's cold and pouring rain. We were out long enough. The Doggie: But [Neighbor] and his dad were still out there. Me: [Neighbor] and his dad are human adults. They can make that decision for themselves. The Doggie: But you're a human adult. Me: Yes, so I make the decisions for both of us. The Doggie: I wish I was a human adult. Wait until Dad gets home. Me: Ha! He's more strict than me. You'll be lucky to even get out the door. The Doggie: [angst ridden sigh]

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more? The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that? The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that? The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt! The Hubby: That was sarcasm! The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"? The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb. The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about? The Hubby: Well... yeah. The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate... The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart! The Hubby: I get it! The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

The Hubby: You smell really nice after your bath! The Doggie: Yeah? Well, you smell like ass. The Hubby: Dude! The Doggie: What? I was just returning the compliment...

The Doggie: Hey, can you give me some feedback on my standup routine? The Hubby: Sure, let's hear what you've got. The Doggie: Okay. (ahem) So, the other day I was trying to buy a new stereo. I go into the store, and there's this bird-- The Hubby: Let me stop you right there. Is this going to involve woofers and tweeters? The Doggie: ...yeah... The Hubby: I'd stay away from puns. Got anything else? The Doggie: Uh, how about this... You ever notice how Irish setters sniff butts like "It's time for a weeeee bit o' the butt sniffin'" and German shepherds sniff butts like "Ja! Now is ze time to sniffen ze butts!" The Hubby: Eh... The Doggie: Too breedist? The Hubby: Well, kinda, but it's also really hacky. Like, that's 1985 open mic material. The accents were good, though! The Doggie: Oh... The Hubby: Hey, don't be discouraged. Just keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll come up with something! The Doggie: Okay. Actual...

The Hubby posting again: The Doggie on a walk: I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and... The Doggie in the back yard, while I'm waiting to go to bed: Should I pee here? No, that's not right. How about here? No... Oh, I know, I'll pee right h-- nope, that's not it either... Hmm...

Posted by The Hubby: The Doggie, hearing literally any noise outside: Oh my god, there's someone out there! Battle stations! They're trying to get us! Why aren't you freaking out, this is serious! I'll try to scare them off by growling and barking! The Doggie, when literally anyone comes into the house: Oh my god, company! Hi, hi there! Come in! Hello, hi! I'm so happy to see you, hello! Here, have a stuffed animal!

The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop. The Hubby: Okay. The Doggie: Just let me get into position, and... psych! The Hubby: ? The Doggie: I'm not going to poop there, ha ha! It was a prank! The Hubby: How is that a prank? The Doggie: You just got [Doggied], son! Ha ha ha! The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Ha ha ha ha! Hoooo boy... I can't believe you fell for that! The Hubby: Whatever. Let's go. The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.

The Hubby (while giving extended belly rubs): I love you, Buddy! The Doggie: What is "love"? The Hubby: Hmm... It's caring about someone a whole lot. It's being really happy that someone is in your life. The Doggie: Oh. Like how I feel about Ball. The Hubby: Well, yeah, I guess. And I'm sure you love, uh, me... The Doggie: Hmm... The Hubby: I mean, you lick me a lot. I thought... The Doggie: I lick you because your sweat tastes like ham. The Hubby: ...Oh. The Doggie: But I love ham. If that helps. The Hubby: I'll take it. As I scratch at [The Doggie's] side, he rolls onto his back, exposing his belly in an obvious invitation to rub it. The Hubby: You're a belly slut. You give it up for nothin'! The Doggie: Have you ever had your belly rubbed? The Hubby: Well, uh... no. The Doggie: That's what I thought. Don't talk about things you don't understand, virgin.