Sunday, December 15, 2013

RE: That's Quite A Bunch Of Santorum

“If we have a system where the government is going to be the principal provider of health care for the country, we’re done. Because then, you are dependent on the government for your life and your health…When Thatcher ran for prime minister she said — remember this, this is the Iron Lady — she said, ‘The British national health care system is safe in my hands.’ She wasn’t going to take on health care, because she knew once you have people getting free health care from the government, you can’t take it away from them. And the reason is because most people don’t get sick, and so free health care is just that, free health care, until you get sick. Then, if you get sick and you don’t get health care, you die and you don’t vote. It’s actually a pretty clever system. Take care of the people who can vote and people who can’t vote, get rid of them as quickly as possible by not giving them care so they can’t vote against you. That’s how it works.” - Sen. Rick Santorum

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

RE: Happy Holidays

"Happy New Year!" - Mini-Me after watching "Christmas in Rockefeller Center"

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

RE: Vocab Lesson

2nd Cousin: Mom, you know what twerking is. 
Ex-Cousin-in-law: Twerking?  Is that having sex?
2nd Cousin: No. 
Ex-Cousin-in-law: Is that pooping?
2nd Cousin: No. Let me show you a video...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

RE: These Are Not The Hills You're Looking For

Text from Stella:

Doing a search on our tv for "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and "DDD REAL BOOBS AND SQUISHY VULVAS 6" come up.  Seriously....#6?

Monday, November 25, 2013

RE: Probably Not Getting The Job

Phone call my cousin received at work:

Job candidate: Hello [cousin's name]? I went today to take my drug screen and I tried and tried to pee but I couldn't. They told me to call you. What should I do?
Cousin: Uhhhh drink a lot of water and go back?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

RE: Waste Of Cake

Stella: You can have some apple pie if you want. 
Birdman: There's cake, too, right? 
Stella: Oh yeah...there are feces of cake left. 
Birdman: Feces of cake?! 
Stella: Yep..but totally meant pieces.

RE: Legume Rights Campaign

"It freaks me out that the Planters Peanut guy wears a monocle and encourages us to genocidally eat all the other peanuts. He's a monster." - Stella's brother

Thursday, November 7, 2013

RE: Super Size Me Heroes

Another message from Stella:

Quote from my dream: 'Why does He-Man look awesome after 30 years but Batman looks 90% fat clown?'  Don't know who said it but there was a cartoon drawing of a bunch of super heroes... and Batman DID look like a fat clown.  You would think I smoke crack and go to sleep with the dreams I have sometimes.
Stella's illustration of the Batman in her dream.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

RE: You'd Be OK At Walmart, However

"I was just in the middle of Walgreens before I realized I should check to see if I was wearing pants. Lucky for the public, I was." - Message from Stella

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

RE: Writhing From Home

The best text The Hubby has ever sent me:

"I'm writhing from home for now because the riders Ste here and [our dog] is kind of freaking out."


"I'm working from home for now because the roofers are here and [our dog] is kind of freaking out."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

RE: Oh, The Inhumanity!!!!

Only in a round if Cards Against Humanity: 

Me: I hate this card. {holding up the "Kids with ass cancer" card)
Crepes: It's like "The Jews," you send them to "Auschwitz."

Sunday, September 29, 2013

RE: Mine Eyes Have Seen...

"I understand that Chris Christie has lost a lot of weight, but he needs to stop tucking his shirt in and jacking his pants up over his floppy FUPA. He is offending America's eyes. Lady Liberty weeps and barfs." - message from Stella

Thursday, September 26, 2013

RE: Unpatriotic Kitty

Again, from Stella:

I just had to yell at [one of her cats]: "STOP ATTACKING CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!" He keeps chewing on Birdman's action figures.

RE: I'll Never Eat A BUTTerFINGER Again

Text Conversation between Stella and Birdman that Stella shared with me:

Stella: I had a dream last night that you were rubbing my back and stuck your finger in my pooper. 
Birdman: Gross. That doesn't sound like something i'd do. Did you enjoy it? 
Stella: No...I was horrified. I made you go wash your hands. YOU seemed to enjoy it and see nothing wrong with executing a surprise digital anal invasion. 
Birdman: Hah! Sounds more like a nightmare than a dream. 
Stella: It was disturbing. P.S. Keep yo' fingas out my hole. 
Birdman: All set for [restaurant name]. My mom will be by around 5:30. 
Stella: Okey dokey, buttfinger. 
Birdman: Henceforth, you shall only address me as buttfinger. 
Stella: Will do.

Monday, September 16, 2013

RE: Her Own Personal...

"[Precious Gem]'s my psychic!" - Mini-Me talking about her little sister but meaning "side-kick"

Sunday, September 15, 2013

RE: Sentenced To Learn

Stella was watching "Lockup" on MSNBC and heard an inmate say: If I could describe the yard in one word, I would say, "A toilet bowl waiting to be flushed."

Saturday, September 14, 2013

RE: Sharing The Load

"[Cinderella], c'mon!  This dishwasher isn't going to load itself!!!" - Mini-Me (age 6) to Cinderella (age 10)

RE: Conserving Energy

Birdman looking through TCM movie line up: Oooo!! "Logan's Run"...that's a good one.
Stella: It is.
Birdman sets it to record
Stella: Why are you recording it?  You have it on DVD.
Birdman: I dunno.  So I don't have to put the disc in.

RE: Outfit Of Choice

"Is he on some kind of punishment right now or are those his actual clothes?" - The Hubby when he saw Andy on "Big Brother" wearing this outfit (The knee socks have brightly colored stripes):

Photo: Lisette M. Azar/CBS ©2013 CBS Broadcasting, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

RE: Jolly Roger

The Hubby and I were messaging about our new neighbors, an older, retired couple.  The man is always tinkering around and grabbing tools out of the garage.

Me: Roger's working in the basement.  Hammering away.
The Hubby: Hammering on Shirley?
Me: Is that her name?
The Hubby: I think so.  Surely he's giving her a rogering.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sunday, September 1, 2013

RE: Disturbing Marketing

Cherry image for cherry topping
Apple image for apple topping
Elephant's butt image for hot fudge topping?

RE: The Human Speed Bag

"That guy has the most punch-able face." - The Hubby when seeing McCrae on "Big Brother"

Thursday, August 15, 2013

RE: Well That Clears Things Up

After my mom misheard the word "poem" a few times.

Dad to mom: Clean out your ears.
Mom: The sun's in my eyes.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

RE: Payback's A Jessica Fletcher

"I think my dad is issuing "Toddlers & Tiaras" payback on me today by making me watch "Murder, She Wrote all day." - Stella

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

RE: Reader Beware (No, REALLY)

Two text conversations between Stella and me:

Me: The shit I just shat was too wide for both my ass and the toilet.
Stella: Sounds like the shits I was taking last week! Maybe this is how the Apocalypse begins...not with horsemen but with giant, ass ripping shits.

And, later texts:

Me: Um... The crossword I'm doing had "rather gross fetish" for a clue. Scat was the answer, which I misspelled with a k at first
Stella: Ha!!! OMG!!

Stella: Did I ever tell you about when I asked Polish Boy "Do you like scat?" It was in the office and he looked horrified when I asked and I was like "What?" He was like "Shhh!!!" And I was all "What's wrong with scat?" He was like "Gross!! Shh!!" I was so confused. I was talking about the music style...he thought I was talking about the fetish. I didn't even know it was a fetish at that point.
Me: HA
Stella: One of our classic Stella/Polish Boy Moments.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

RE: No, It Shouldn't

For the most part, I like to keep this blog on the inane, crazy, fun side, but sometimes the events of the outside world are too important to ignore.

"It should not be news that black people are not rioting." - Maya Wiley, Center for Social Inclusion during an appearance on "UP With Steve Kornacki" while discussing the verdict in the George Zimmerman trial

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

RE: America's Next Top Stripper

"I guess I just don't want her to grow-up and be a stripper.  But, if she did grow-up to be a stripper, she'd be one fabulous stripper." -Mother of a 3 yr. old on "Toddlers & Tiaras"

RE: Is There An App For That?

Stella and I talking about a Facebook post we read that had mistakes in it:

Me: There are some things that can't be blamed on auto-correct.
Stella: Exactly.  She needs Sentence Structure Correct.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

RE: Freedom of Speech

Mini-Me: Do I look pretty?
Scrubs: Yes, you do.
Mini-Me: You're going to look pretty today.

Monday, June 24, 2013

RE: Is This Real Life?

Stella overheard neighbors fighting while sitting in her backyard.  Here is an excerpt she shared with me:

When have I ever played games witch you?! Nigga, you see what I'm livin' in to be witch you cause I love you?

A little later, I get the following chat message:

I regaled my dad with the story of the neighbor fight.  He said, "I keep telling you there should be a law against some of the pure CRAP they call TV."  I said, "This isn't on TV!!!  This is coming from my neighbor's house.!!!"  He said, "HOLY SHIT!!!!!  Love thy neighbor, I guess..."

I guess I can see how he would think it was a TV show.  I made him watch "Toddlers and Tiaras" all afternoon yesterday.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

RE: She May Be On To Something

"I know daddy likes shopping best at [Insert Stores' Name] because it says his name...but he also likes [Local Grocery Store] best because they have a beer cave." - Mini-Me

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

RE: It Puns In The Family

"Just got my hours for this week I got a "boat"load of hours. Hahaha I'm punny" - Tweet from Holla with a pun, which shows she's one of the family

Sunday, June 2, 2013

RE: Unlicensed Backseat Driver

A Tweet from Holla:

I told my mom that she could've made the light before it turned red. And she said "I don't see a license in your future".

Saturday, June 1, 2013

RE: Struthio camelus---Brrrrrakakaka

A Tale Inspired by Birdman's FB profile picture:

The Hubby: Birdman rode high on that ostrich. High and proud. Some folk said too proud, but that didn't make no nevermind to Birdman. He and that ostrich would just strut through town like like they ain't never had a care. Like all they needed was each other. Maybe that was true. But it sure makes for a sad story, the way it all turned out. 'Course, maybe that was the only way it coulda gone, I don't know. All I know is sometimes, out on the plains, when the moon is shining bright in the sky, and the wind has gone real quiet... Sometimes I swear I can hear old Birdman and that ostrich, their call echoing off the distant hills: Brrrrrakakaka! Brrrrrrakakaka!

Birdman: You magnificent bastard. You brought feeling back to this old withered heart, emotions I thought would never be felt again. Perhaps it would have been better had I never experienced that twinge pass through my chest once more. I know I could have lived another 40 years and been just fine--not truly happy, but content in my own small way, maybe--but the haunting cry of that majestic bird lit up my mind like fireworks on a hot July night.

The ostrich. Struthio camelus. It may have been flightless, but when I rode on top of that fantastical fowl, my heart soared like any eagle. Brrrrrakakaka, indeed.

The Hubby: Take comfort, my friend, and forgive me for opening old wounds. I hope you know that the love that you and that beautiful bird shared lived not just in your own hearts. It spilled out over all who bore witness. It was my own emotion that moved me to write those words, heedless of the harm they might cause you. I miss not the bird, but the man that you became when you were with her. This ruined husk that you've become only serves to remind me of majestic Birdman you once were, and I ache for those days.

Stella: Tis a story so beautiful that has never been told before or ever shall be...brakaakaa without end.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

RE: When Shorts Attack

Text from Stella:

What I just witnessed in a parking lot on a 17 year old girl.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

RE: It's All Greek To Me

Birdman's Mom: It's that musical about the Greek trying to marry off his daughters.
Birdman: Fiddler on the Roof?
Birdman's Mom: Yes!
Birdman: Those are Jews

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

RE: Current Events

Message to me of textersation between Stella and our mutual friend, Polish Boy.


This is 'merica...we don't cotton to no stinkin' fancy ass Frenchy words and shit.
Polish Boy: So brilliant.
Polish Boy: It's Cleveland afterall...
Polish Boy: "I've been abducted and missing for 10 years!!!" Response- "Do you need fire, ambulance or the police?"
Stella: Fire. Definitely fire.
Polish Boy: No. She wanted a Rally's Big Buford and glitter. WTF did they think she wanted?!?
Stella to me: (I was standing in the middle school gym waiting for [Birdman] to finish voting when I read his last text and I snorted from laughing so hard...made a nice echoy sound in the gym. Also, I think the guy who checked us in to vote had elephantitis of the nutsack. Not kidding. At all.)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

RE: What The What?

"Dammit. I'm never going to find someone to name their dog Crotch. The fun is endless with a name like Crotch." - Stella after we rejected her suggestion for a name for our puppy

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

RE: Gee, Thanks?

Sally's Friend: Poor homeless guy is standing out side asking for change
Sally: I'll give him my change! 
*Goes to give it to him and comes back in*
Sally: He's not homeless.
Sally's Friend: What's the bowl for?
Sally: It's treats for his dog.

Monday, April 22, 2013

RE: I Won't Tell If You Won't

Mini-Me: Daddy, you are not supposed to have shoes on the couch. It's one of mommy's rules.
My brother: It's also one of mommy's rules to keep your fingers out of your mouth.
Mini-Me: Okay, you can put your shoes back on the couch.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

RE: The Marathon Continues

April 15th
Once again, we must take time to remember the important things in life.  Good people were killed and injured; good people ran in to help; good people come together.

It seems, the real marathon is taking place right now.  The finish line is the reuniting of families and friends torn apart by this tragedy and the capture of the perpetrators. 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

RE: ACCENTuate The Positive

"Even if you're ugly, if you have an accent, you're kind of attractive." - Hockey Girl

Thursday, March 28, 2013

RE: Justice Bilba Baggins?

Stella: Is Ruth Bader Ginsburg like the smallest thing alive
Birdman: I think she's a hobbit.

Monday, March 18, 2013

RE: Get Thee To A Dentist!

Me: Jewel just said, "I'm going to heck."
The Hubby: The singer Jewel?
Me: Yeah.
The Hubby: What is she on?
Me: "The Chew."
The Hubby: If she's going anywhere, it should be to an orthodontist.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

RE: The Times, They Are A Changin'

Scrubs: [Cinderella], remind me to change the filter on the fish tank tomorrow.
Cinderella: Why can't you ask Siri to remind you?

Saturday, March 9, 2013

RE: Can A Niece Hook An Aunt Up With Some Of That?

Mini-Me found a penny and showed it to Frampa (that's what she called him when she first started talking).  Here's how the penny conversation went:

Frampa: You can put it in your piggy bank.
Mini-Me: You can have it.  I have lots of money.

Monday, March 4, 2013

RE: Best Way To Remember A Movie Title Goes To...

Mr. R: Did you see that girl who won Best Actress the day after the Oscars? Her hair was totally black.
Stella: Yeah. I think it's for a movie.
Mr. R: Some vampire movie. No! A series of movies...about food.
Stella: The Hunger Games?
Mr. R: Yes. The food movies.
Stella: It has nothing to do with food.
Mr. R: Well, that's how I remember it.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

RE: No Joke

Mini-Me's Dad: [Mini-Me], what's under there?
Mini-Me: Under where? Ha! Ha! I said underwear, Daddy!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

RE: The Oscar Inspired Quote Goes To...

Oscar inspired quotes:

"Kristen Stewart needs help from Chuck Testa to make her more life like." - Me

"Have Renee Zellweger's eyes been removed?" - Me

Stella: That awkward moment when 1 billion people realize you can't read, Renee Zellweger.
Me: YES!
Stella: She seriously cannot read.
Me: She has no eyes.
Stella: Maybe that's it.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sunday, January 20, 2013

RE: Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

We haven't heard from Mr. R in a while.  Well, he's back, and he's back with a vengeance!

Mr. R & Stella were watching "Toddlers & Tiaras" and here is what he had to say:

  • "I would have to sit there with a baseball bat so I could just start swinging at people."
  • "She [Honey Boo Boo] may be 6, but she has the attitude of an 80 year old asshole."
  • "A baseball bat to Honey Boo Boo and her mom's face would be a favor to both of them."
  • "It's Georgia!  You know what they raise in Georgia? Peaches and morons."

Sunday, January 13, 2013

RE: And That, Too

"Butt gusting" - Me, but it was supposed to be "Gut busting"