Monday, December 22, 2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

RE: Please Pass The Salt

"Get out of his ass!" and "She's just so many words." and "She's like the Bible." - Things Sally said at the dinner table to the dog and about her former boss

Monday, December 8, 2014

RE: Twat's That You Say?

Texts between Stella and her brother again:

Brother: Dirty look at target when someone saw me spelling "twat" with the letter mugs.

***



Then, a message from Stella to me:
Twattin' it in the family today I guess.


RE: Can You Spell It One More Time?

Freckles posted this about an interaction she had at work:

Me: Can you spell that, please?
Client: I as in eyeball.
I stopped listening after that. Disconnected for stupidity.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

RE: SCIENCE!

"Sugar is a crystal but it's sweet and you can eat it." - Sally giving us a lesson on sugar

Monday, November 17, 2014

RE: Get Out Of The Gene Pool

"It's like when I bar-tended and one of the regulars wanted to name her future baby "diarrhea" because the word, not what it stands for, is just beautiful." - Pi in response to RE: The Pee Of Tranquility

RE: Add It To The OED

"Snowveralls" - snow pants according to a friend's 1st grader

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

RE: The Pee of Tranquility

A Facebook status from a friend:

Today at work, an older lady was in the stall next to me and complimented me on the sound of my pee. She said it sounded "so tranquil"...so I've got that going for me. The crazies find me. Everywhere.

Monday, November 10, 2014

RE: Say It Isn't So

"I'm at a loss. I don't know what to think anymore. My mom doesn't like Grumpy Cat." - Stella

Sunday, November 2, 2014

RE: Scent Of A Real Woman

Me: Apparently Lisa Rinna is joining RHBH ("The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills").
Stella: Is there room for her lips?
Me: My thoughts! They freak me out.  But, Taylor hasn't been around, so I guess she's FILLING a gap.
Stella: She probably smells like plastic and shiny sticky lip gloss.
Me: And Harry Hamlin's spunk
Stella: Yes. That combo seems like a perfume Candie's would produce.

RE: Dumbdevil

Stella and Mr. R talking "About that dumbass crossing the tightrope in Chicago tonight:"

Stella: Dad, you gonna watch the guy tightrope between two buildings in Chicago?
Mr. R: Is he guaranteed to fall?

And, Mr. R continues on with:
1. Turn it on. [Throws the remote at Stella]
2. Jesus Christ! It's Joel Osteen! WHAT THE HELL?!
3. Jesus...there are actually people there watching this shit. I hope he falls on them all.
4. A real feat would be the Chicago Bears crossing the line.
and...
5. Stupid ass waste of TV time. I could be watching another "Murder She Wrote" rerun.

Friday, October 24, 2014

RE: Lady Madonna

"Do you think Lady Gaga's the version of Madonna you can buy in Chinatown?" - Billy Eichner on "Billy on the Street"

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

RE: Is This Why Buddha Gets His Belly Rubbed?

From a friend about her substitute teaching gig of the day:

"Miss, since it didn't work the first time, should I rub my belly when I poop?"

A quick summary of my day teaching first and second grade.

I told her she could do what she wants but I didn't know if it would work. She came back and informed me that it does work and I should try it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

RE: I Can't Even

Various calls a friend from high school has had to deal with lately:

Freckles: And what is your relationship to the deceased?
Customer: I didn't have relations with my niece. WTH?!
Freckles: That was not the question, sir. Who are you in bereavement for?
Customer: I ain't gotta answer that until they die.
Freckles: [Why me?]

***

Freckles: When was your last day of work?
Customer: I don't know. Hell, I wasn't there.
Freckles: Clearly.

***

Customer: Why do I need a Doctor to fill out FMLA papers? He doesn't think I have asthma.
Freckles: Do you have asthma?
Customer: Yeah! I limp and shit.
Freckles: Ok.

RE: Yes, Yes It Is

Me: "The 7 Little Johnstons"?  Oh, god.
The Hubby: Is that the X-rated version of "Snow White"?

RE: We Are All Adults Here

Stella, The Hubby, and I texting when I found out my dad didn't have a blood clot in his leg. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

RE: Now That Is Really Down Under

"You are not the C Word, you are an insignificant ass hair." - Gina Liano to Andrea Moss on "The Real Housewives of Melbourne"

Thursday, September 11, 2014

RE: She's Not Ready For Some Football

Stella: Pittsburgh vs Baltimore tonight on Thursday Night Football. Is mom wandering through the house losing her mind just muttering "bastards?"
Mr. R: Mom found the perfect solution. She's sleeping.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

RE: A Golden Opportunity

Stella's commentary on a visit to a urologist:
Having to see a urologist is like walking into "Golden Girls." I'm the youngest person here by about 50 years. Some of these people were old during Prohibition.
OMG! I just heard an old guy yell, "I CAN'T GET MY OLD PETER UP!" I am scarred for fucking life.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

RE: A Whole New Meaning To Donut Holes

Mr. R talking about "The assholes at the donut shop who get on their cell phones to ask people what kind of donuts they want"..."I want to say 'How about the dozen I'm gonna pound up your ass?'"

RE: Damn It Feels Bad To Be A Browns' Fan

Mr. R watching the season opener for the Browns.

:50 seconds left in the 1st quarter and Pitt scores:

"If they would have hung on for less than a minute more, they could have been tied at the end of the 1st quarter. Cleveland could have called this a successful season then. Too late now."

***

"This is shameful for Cleveland! SHAMEFUL!! Gimme some cookies."

RE: Humor...Somewhat Dark Humor

Here's a Facebook conversation between me and my cousins based on finding out Aviva Drescher was fired from "The Real Housewives of New York City."  At the end of the season, Aviva tossed her prosthetic leg across a table.  Cousin 1 posted the link on Cousin 2's Facebook page.  For background, Cousin 2 just had surgery for Crohn's Disease to get a colostomy bag.

Cousin 1 post: http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/aviva-drescher-fired-from-real-housewives-of-new-york-201459
Cousin 2 comment: Good, she was an idiot.
My comment: LOVE THIS! [Cousin 2], looks like they have an opening! ;)
Cousin 2 comment: She has her crazy leg and now I can have my bag!
My comment: NICE!
Cousin 1 comment: Just don't throw it at anyone...or do.
My comment: OMG! So, I was just thinking of Ramona's reaction to getting water splashed on her, imagine...
 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

RE: Go Directly To Jail: Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

"I'll probably be in jail before my court date." - Overheard by The Hubby and me at the table next to us at a restaurant

Sunday, August 24, 2014

RE: The Cleveland Assholes

"Look at this! You put a Cleveland jersey on someone and they become an instant asshole." - Mr. R, of course

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

RE: Lying And Tigers And Bears

"[Toddler daughter] got in trouble for lying this morning. After 15 minutes of silent reflection, she says 'Mom, I not lying...I not a zebra, I not a monkey, I not a Rollie pollie...' Poor girl thought she was in trouble for being a "lion." Apparently we need to revisit this lesson later!" - A friend's Facebook status

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

RE: He's Back!

Stella forced a "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding" on Mr. R.  His reactions did not disappoint.

Mr. R: THEY HAVE BLACK GYPSIES?!?!
Stella: That's the priest.
Mr. R: Oh.

"Love the hats." - Mr. R, sounding just like Hannibal Lector, "Love the suit," according to Stella

"Is that a flying Jesus? I just saw a FLYING JESUS!" - Mr. R

"Do gypsies own anything in just one solid color? It's all patterned shit." - Mr. R

Stella: My dad wants a "My Wild Gypsy Nuns" show.

Stella: My dad said her IQ doesn't reach double digits.

RE: Is She Really Only Starting Kindergarten?

Former co-worker to 5 y/o daughter: [Daughter's name], maybe we should rethink this whole school thing.
5 y/o daughter: Listen, you're the one who got us into this mess.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

RE: Mr. Landline-Telephone Man

"Watching "The View" and New Edition is on, however, I think the name should probably be changed to Old News." - My Facebook status update the other day

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

RE: Touched For The 31st Time

"This song makes me nostalgic for when Madonna was just a whore." - The Hubby when "Cherish" was playing on an overhead in a restaurant

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

RE: Better Get Out The Map

Real Housewife of Melbourne: Where is your accent from?
Chef: South Africa.
Real Housewife of Melbourne: Ah Zimbabwe?
Chef: No, South Africa.
Real Housewife of Melbourne: Well, it's still around the same continents you know?

Monday, August 4, 2014

RE: Let's Get Real, Housewives

"Mousse is fancy pudding!" - Me yelling at the T.V. while watching "The Real Housewives of the OC" not understanding that the waiter said, "Shrimp Mousse," not "Shrimp Moose."

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

RE: Waxing Poetic

"I wonder why men don't have whiskers on their noses. Even their upper cheeks don't have hair." - Wonder Woman

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Friday, June 27, 2014

Sunday, June 22, 2014

RE: It's Not Easy Eating Greens

"That broccoli at Primrose was awful...but the broccoli at Messiah...ahhh...well it was inspiring!" - a former co-worker's 5-year-old daughter

Saturday, June 21, 2014

RE: Let's Ask Dr. Ruth About That

"The person that you kiss, their hormones go into your mouth." - Kody Brown on "Sister Wives"

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Thursday, May 29, 2014

RE: AWK-WARD

The Hubby: We just had the most amazingly awkward all-hands-meeting. For some unfathomable reason, our [VP So-and-so] did this stupid interpretive dance skit. It was painful.
Me: Wait, was it a joke?
The Hubby: Yeah, it was intended to be funny.
Me: Oh man...so even as a joke, it didn't work out well?
The Hubby: Well, people were laughing, but all of the guys on my team just found it to be painfully awkward. I can't even imagine what possessed him to do it.  And it was planned out and rehearsed. He had a costume and music and everything.
Me: NO
The Hubby: Oh yeah.  It was so bad, David Brent wouldn't have done it.
Me: OMG!!!

Monday, May 26, 2014

RE: The X(crement)-Men

Stella: I took such a massive shit today that I think I shat out meals I haven't even eaten yet.
Me: HA!
Stella: Shits of Future Past.
Me: NICE!

Friday, May 23, 2014

RE: Fairy Gardens

Stella: For fucks sake...Every time I buy a tiny plant, some fuck face asks me if I am making a fairy garden.* Do I look like the kind of person who would make a fucking fairy garden? 
Birdman: Because you're a LAY-DEE**, and you like LAY-DEE things like fairy gardens & kittens & shit.

*I was unaware of fairy gardens being a thing so I googled it.
**Birdman is referencing Emily Howard, a character from "Little Britain."

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

RE: Quick Thinking

"Some weirdo* came in to do a drug test at my work today. When I picked the urine sample up off the table (not even 2 minutes after he left it) it was cold to the touch. When I told him I couldn't accept the sample, he said (and I kid you not) that he 'drank a lot of ice water' before he came in." - Facebook post by a friend 

*Could this be the same person?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

RE: It's Revolutionary

"The Molasses and Sugar App." - Me during an American History trivia game.  What I MEANT was "The Molasses and Sugar ACT."

Friday, April 25, 2014

RE: I'd Probably Watch That*


Stella: WTF is TLC's obsession with gypsies?
Me: I don't get what's up with TLC period.
Stella: That just made me think, "Why don't they have a show about menstruating women?"
Me: Ha!
Stella: Wait...menstruating GYPSIES.
Me: Menstruating, 500 lb, midget, psychic, gypsies in the ER because of sex involving a strange addiction.
Stella: Mind. BLOWN.

*Hey, producers, you better not steal my show idea without crediting me and paying me.

Monday, April 21, 2014

RE: Who Knew?

Precious Gem (2 yrs. old): My belly hurts...Need medicine.
Scrubs: I don't have medicine for your belly.
Precious Gem: Yes , lipstick.
Scrubs: Putting lipstick on is going to make your belly better?
Precious Gem: Yes!!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

RE: Channeling Dowager Countess of Grantham

My brother posted on Facebook:

"[Cinderella]: '[Mini-Me] is far from a lady. I've seen boys with better posture and manners.'  Overexposure to 'Downton Abbey.'"

Monday, March 3, 2014

RE: Serious Gratitude

Not all things captured on this page must be inane and silly.

"It does not escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is thanks to so much pain in someone else's." - Lupita Nyong'o while accepting her Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in "12 Years a Slave"

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

RE: Before You Wreck Yourself

Napoleon's Mom*: We are going to the doctor.
Napoleon: You are. Not me. Doctors stick you.
Napoleon's Mom: But you need a check up.
Napoleon: Check yourself.

*Napoleon's mom and I went to high school together.  She is the one to have dubbed him "Napoleon."

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

RE: Mouth To Gill Resuscitation?

"Mommy is really nice. And it's good that she's a nurse to help people because she saved Bubbles'* life!" - Mini-Me

*Bubbles is a pet fish

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

RE: Cannot???

Me: THIS is why I want you to watch Atlanta Housewives...Fights and shit.
Watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 6 | Fighting in Lingerie
Stella: The statement of 'OMG! They're so little!' in reference to sperm is exactly why I cannot add another Housewives show to my viewing.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

RE: Big Brother (Mark Zuckerberg) Is Watching

Message from Stella:

My recommended pages today on FB go: drag queen, drag queen, PBS Masterpiece Theatre, drag queen, drag queen, fine gardening magazine, drag queen, cats, cats, cats.

Friday, January 10, 2014

RE: A Tummy Knows

Friend (feeling sorry for herself): Sometimes it feels like no one back home remembers me...
Friend's 4 year-old daughter: Mama, I remember you! I also remember that I'm hungry and thirsty, will you get me some food?

Friend: That girl always reminds me of my priorities (or at least hers!)

RE: Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Message from Stella:

I just opened BitStrips and have the proposal scene ..but it's you proposing to me. Then, further down, you are breaking up with me via BitStrips. It's like a lesbian soap opera.

Monday, January 6, 2014

RE: I can't live or die, moaning for my life, I will always want brains*

Friend: Zombies moan because they don't have control over their tongues.
Friend's 11 year old son: So they're like Miley Cyrus.

*Post's title is a parody of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"

Sunday, January 5, 2014

RE: Quality Or Quantity

Scrubs: [Precious Gem] Do you love me?
Precious Gem: Yes
Me: How much?
Precious Gem: Two (and she shows Scrubs two fingers)