Job candidate: Hello [cousin's name]? I went today to take my drug screen and I tried and tried to pee but I couldn't. They told me to call you. What should I do? Cousin: Uhhhh drink a lot of water and go back?
Quote from my dream: 'Why does He-Man look awesome after 30 years but Batman looks 90% fat clown?' Don't know who said it but there was a cartoon drawing of a bunch of super heroes... and Batman DID look like a fat clown. You would think I smoke crack and go to sleep with the dreams I have sometimes.