Monday, December 28, 2015

RE: We Feel The Bern

Me: I love when Bernie says, "Mooslums."
Stella: He's so quaint. Like a Vermont Teddy Bear Company product.
Me: I was thinking more like a Bovine Skid-row
Stella: Like cows dressed like Skid Row?
Me: Like cows in slums
Stella: Ha! That's better than a cow version of Skid Row.
Me: I don't know, that could be pretty hilarious.
Stella: Hits like I Remember Moo and 18 Acres to Life.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

RE: Say Nope To Dope

Mr. R was reading to one of Mr. R, Jr.'s kids.  Mr. R, Jr. comments, "The best part is how he makes up his own stories. Wacky Wednesday is now about bad kids smoking dope behind Convenient."

RE: Let's Get Back To Crime Time Television

Mr. R: If the Hallmark Channel doesn't go back to showing my "Columbo" soon instead of these goddamn feel good Christmas movies I'm going to storm their headquarters. 
Stella: Haven't you seen all the "Columbo"s like 15 times? 
Mr. R: So what!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

RE: Probably Good It's Not House Decorating

[Suburb name] City announcement board: SEND IN YOUR PICTURES OF YOUR DOOR FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DOOR DECORATING CONTEST.

Stella to her parents: Did you guys send in a picture of your front door?
Mr. R: I just sent in the whole goddamned door.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

RE: Two 40-year-olds One Debate

Me: So, the Dem Debate had a commercial and came back with Hillary missing....I think she was stuck in the bathroom taking a shit. At least, that's what I choose to think.
Stella: Ha! That would happen to me! Then I would return with the "poop sweats" showing.
Me: I'd have tucked something in my pants and/or have toilet paper stuck to me.
Stella: My strategy would be to not wipe well so I stink and throw everyone else off their game.
Me: HA!
Stella: I hate that the Democratic debates are on Saturday nights. I forget they are on. Is Hilary wearing a carpet?
Me: I only realized because of Facebook and Twitter. "Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt 2 hours ago Hillary looking fetching in her Ann Taylor Loft "Shaved Chewbacca" sweater frock! #DemDebate".
Stella: Yes! My first thought was Berber carpet from Home Depot.
Me: I thought burlap sack
Stella: Burlap Sac Chic. OMG! Check out @pattonoswalt's Tweet: "We must use Keith Richards to absorb all of the heroin in the country and then piss it into the sun." #DemDebate
Me: Yeah
Stella: I want Birdman to start illustrating some of his tweets.
Me: YES!!!!
Stella: O'Malley has Legolas ears.
Me: HA!
Stella: Sanders is a Pole?! Now I gotta vote for him.
Me: I gotta vote for him based on the way he talks.
Stella: Hell yeah.
Me: Imagine the State of the Union addresses!
Stella: It would have to include a giant bowl of matzoh ball soup.
Me: And a toast with Manischewitz
Stella: Do you think his breath reeks of Polident?
Me: I'm thinking a generic/lesser brand.
Stella: I think Lady Gaga smells like Vagisil.
Me: HA! I seriously just laughed out loud with the bowl-full-of-jelly action.
Stella: Awesome!!!!!!

RE: Social Norms

Birdman: Well, you want to go get something to eat? 
Stella: Ugh...I have to put pants on.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

RE: Wookiee Whoopee

For some background, Stella has an amazing wookiee impersonation skill. Below is a group chat between The Hubby, Stella, Birdman, and me.

The Hubby: [Stella], here's an opportunity for a little side gig: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH0ZOVT2st8&feature=youtu.be
Stella: Dammit...do you guys really think I could work the wookie sexy sex hotline?
The Hubby: Totally.
Stella: Maybe I can start it up in [Suburb]. There are a couple storefronts that up for rent.
The Hubby: The beauty of a phone sex line is you can work from home!
Stella: I don't want to mix our home life with my phone sex life.
Me: Good point.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

RE: That's The 13th Day, Actually

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Nothing cause I'm single." - Wonton

RE: A Time & Place For Everything

"You can't break out fringe at 5:00 in the morning." - Wonton filling me in on appropriate purse usage