I Better Write That Down

Me: What happens when she [Meryl Streep] dies? The Hubby: There will be no more movies.

Doggie and The Hubby on a walk... Doggie: Hang on, I'm going to poop. The Hubby: Okay. Doggie: Okay, this is a good spot. Let me just... The Hubby: Hang on, don't do it there. Come over here a ways. Doggie: Oh, I shouldn't poop? The Hubby: Yes, go ahead, I just didn't want you to do it over there, right next to those people's window. Just do it over here. Doggie: I see, no pooping then. The Hubby: What? No, you can poop, just not over there. Go ahead. Doggie: I understand. I won't poop then. The Hubby: Why are you being like this? I think you're being passive-aggressive. Doggie: I don't know what that is. It sounds like a human thing. The Hubby: Are you going to poop or what? Doggie: No need. The Hubby: -sigh- Fine. Twenty minutes later, at home... Doggie: Take me out, I need to poop. *** Another walk with Doggie... Doggie: GRRRRR The Hubby: What's the matter? Doggie: I hate those guys so much! The Hubby: Who? You mean tho...

The Doggie: >HRK< I'm gonna >HRK< throw up! Here, I'll put it on the carpet. The Hubby: Wait, do it on this tissue! The Doggie: Get that out of my way, I can't >HRK< get to the carpet! HORK-GRK-GRAAAAH! There, made a nice big pile! The Hubby: Goddammit. The Doggie: Hey, there's more! >HRK< I'll make a new pile over here. The Hubby: Don't do it over there, put it here with the rest! The Doggie: HUUURGHHH! Woo, I didn't realize how much I had in me! The Hubby: ... The Doggie: Oh man, trifecta! >HRK< The Hubby: No, wait-- The Doggie: HHHHURK! The Hubby: Great, now there are three piles of vomit on the carpet. The Doggie: I know! Nice, right?

White House Press Briefing. Sarah Huckabee Sanders: The President would like MSNBC and CNN to know that he is rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off him and sticks to you.

The Hubby: Can you hurry? It's cold out here! The Doggie: I don't feel cold. The Hubby: You're covered in fur! The Doggie: Well, maybe you should have worn something warmer than shorts and flip flops... The Hubby: My pants and shoes were all the way upstairs! The Doggie: How am I the one on the leash?

Guy in store: Excuse me, what do you use for TV service? The Hubby: Oh, we’re Amish.

“Yes, we value life. But, you don’t need to keep pumping out babies like the warrantee’s running out on your vagina.” - The Hubby

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more? The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that? The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that? The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt! The Hubby: That was sarcasm! The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"? The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb. The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about? The Hubby: Well... yeah. The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate... The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart! The Hubby: I get it! The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

"A Chihuahua is the Emotional Support Animal that would need its own Emotional Support Animal." - The Hubby

A friend's post on Facebook: Me: I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it. 9yo: That’s not true, mommy did. Me: That’s not the point!

The Doggie: Hold on, I need to smell this... The Hubby: What is it now? The Doggie: Someone peed here. The Hubby: What?! You just spent five minutes smelling pee back there. The Doggie: Yeah, but this is different pee. The Hubby: It's pee! How different could it be? The Doggie: Obviously you know nothing about pee. The last one had a hardy bouquet with woody overtones. This one is much lighter, almost floral, and... [sniff-sniff-sniff] ...yes, just a hint of butt. The Hubby: Hey, you know what you are? You're a smell-ier! Get it? Like a sommelier, but for smells. The Doggie: ... The Hubby: Wait, no! You're a connois-sewer! The Doggie: Ugh. You're going to make fun of me for smelling pee, while you drop those stink-bombs?

The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop. The Hubby: Okay. The Doggie: Just let me get into position, and... psych! The Hubby: ? The Doggie: I'm not going to poop there, ha ha! It was a prank! The Hubby: How is that a prank? The Doggie: You just got [Doggied], son! Ha ha ha! The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Ha ha ha ha! Hoooo boy... I can't believe you fell for that! The Hubby: Whatever. Let's go. The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.

Friends' 11 yr. old: Let's go look at the protesters while we're waiting for our White House tour. Friend: How do you know there will be protesters? Friends' 11 yr. old: It's a weekend, and Trump won the election.

A friend's 11 yr. old son on the friend's taste in fiction: "The only three people who like 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑷𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 are Dostoevsky, Dostoevsky's mother, and you."

https://blogs-images.forbes.com/danschawbel/files/2012/10/GeneSimmons-199x300.jpg?width=960 "Hello, and welcome to Carlo's Shitty Wig Emporium, home of the world's most atrocious hairpieces." "Hey, wig guy, I'm Gene Simmons. You probably know me from b eing a world-class douche nozzle." "Aren't you in KISS?" "Yeah, that's my side gig. Listen, what I'm looking for is a wig that will make my head look like the head of a penis. Just a big, mushroom-like dome." "Hmm. An unusual request. May I interest you in this one, that looks like a massive spider orgy?" "No, I had my heart set on the cock head." "Ah, here's a popular one. It looks like a cotton candy cow pie. We call it 'El Presidente.'" "Look, wig dude, you're not listening to me. I want my wig to reflect the contents of my pants and the contents of my soul. I want to look like a walking prick." ...

Email from Wonder Woman: "Today, Hockey Girl asked [Precious Gem] if she had a boyfriend. [Precious Gem] giggled and [Hockey Girl] said, 'I bet you do. What's his name?' [Precious Gem] came back with, 'His name is 'zero' cuz I don't have one.' Good One."

Friend's Facebook post: "Me: Why don't you take everything I say seriously? 8yo: Because it's usually stupid or dangerous. #truestory #valid"

"Food poisoning: It comes out of nowhere. Then it comes out of everywhere." - The Hubby's Facebook post upon my suffering from food poisoning

E-mail from my Mom [Wonder Woman] regarding her babysitting [Precious Gem] and her dad, my brother who was in the hospital: When I found out [brother] was coming home yesterday I told [Precious Gem]... She said, "Good, now maybe [Mini-Me] will stop crying all the time!" I said to her that she misses Daddy. Then I said, "Don't you miss Daddy?" Her answer,"Yes I do, but not as much as [Mini-Me]." She is so funny.

Student: You smell sorta like my gramma. My Brother the Teacher: Really? What does she smell like? Student: She's dead but you smell old.