I Better Write That Down

White House Press Briefing. Sarah Huckabee Sanders: The President would like MSNBC and CNN to know that he is rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off him and sticks to you.

Commercial for a new show with Lisa Welchel comes on. It's in the time slot of a show my dad hates. My R: Good!! That means that angel shit won't be on anymore.  Stella: Touched By An Angel?  M. R: Yeah. I hate that goddamn show.

“Yes, we value life. But, you don’t need to keep pumping out babies like the warrantee’s running out on your vagina.” - The Hubby

Found this oldie the other day: The Doggie: Gosh, mom, why'd we have to come inside? Me: Because it's cold and pouring rain. We were out long enough. The Doggie: But [Neighbor] and his dad were still out there. Me: [Neighbor] and his dad are human adults. They can make that decision for themselves. The Doggie: But you're a human adult. Me: Yes, so I make the decisions for both of us. The Doggie: I wish I was a human adult. Wait until Dad gets home. Me: Ha! He's more strict than me. You'll be lucky to even get out the door. The Doggie: [angst ridden sigh]

Message from Stella about Mr. R.: My dad just told me that he believes Baron Trump is actually Donald Trump's lovechild with Ivanka. I am SO vomiting right now.

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more? The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that? The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that? The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt! The Hubby: That was sarcasm! The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"? The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb. The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about? The Hubby: Well... yeah. The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate... The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart! The Hubby: I get it! The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

A friend's post on Facebook: Me: I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it. 9yo: That’s not true, mommy did. Me: That’s not the point!

"Dead silence just sitting here with my parents watching the Cavs game. Go to commercial break and my dad just yells out, "I wanna puke in this guy's face." Apparently, he is not happy with color announcer this series. My mom is in the kitchen practically pissing her pants laughing. We thought he fell asleep" - Message from Stella regarding Mr. R.

A friend's 11 yr. old son on the friend's taste in fiction: "The only three people who like 𝑪𝒓𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑷𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 are Dostoevsky, Dostoevsky's mother, and you."

"Food poisoning: It comes out of nowhere. Then it comes out of everywhere." - The Hubby's Facebook post upon my suffering from food poisoning

Browns' Announcer: We'll be right back after this short commercial break.  Mr. R.: Who really gives a shit if you come back?

E-mail from my Mom [Wonder Woman] regarding her babysitting [Precious Gem] and her dad, my brother who was in the hospital: When I found out [brother] was coming home yesterday I told [Precious Gem]... She said, "Good, now maybe [Mini-Me] will stop crying all the time!" I said to her that she misses Daddy. Then I said, "Don't you miss Daddy?" Her answer,"Yes I do, but not as much as [Mini-Me]." She is so funny.

Student: You smell sorta like my gramma. My Brother the Teacher: Really? What does she smell like? Student: She's dead but you smell old.

Me: Who was Parker Posey? The Hubby: The rough looking one. Me: OMG! I thought that was Elizabeth Banks. [awkward pause] Don't tell Elizabeth Banks. - After watching "Mascots"

"Just picked up [Mini-Me] from a sleepover. Now we are in line for flu shots. She's not happy. [Mini-Me] told me, 'You're bad at surprises!'" - My brother, Mini-Me's dad

Me: So, the Dem Debate had a commercial and came back with Hillary missing....I think she was stuck in the bathroom taking a shit. At least, that's what I choose to think. Stella: Ha! That would happen to me! Then I would return with the "poop sweats" showing. Me: I'd have tucked something in my pants and/or have toilet paper stuck to me. Stella: My strategy would be to not wipe well so I stink and throw everyone else off their game. Me: HA! Stella: I hate that the Democratic debates are on Saturday nights. I forget they are on. Is Hilary wearing a carpet? Me: I only realized because of Facebook and Twitter. "Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt 2 hours ago Hillary looking fetching in her Ann Taylor Loft "Shaved Chewbacca" sweater frock! #DemDebate". Stella: Yes! My first thought was Berber carpet from Home Depot. Me: I thought burlap sack Stella: Burlap Sac Chic. OMG! Check out @pattonoswalt's Tweet: "We must use Keith Richards to absor...

Messages from Stella: My dad: If my blood pressure isn't at 180 I must be dead. My mom: Then turn the game off.  My dad: There's nothing else on. and: There is nothing like a Browns' game to make my parents start going at each other like a set up to a future "Dateline" with Keith Morrison episode.

And so begin the football season messages from Stella: Our QB is already out with a concussion. Johnny F'n Football is in already. The first Browns extra point attempt took 3 times with 3 flags that took it back to a 48 yard attempt. I'm shocked the kicker's leg didn't fall off. My parents are already not speaking to each other. Welcome to Browns Football 2015. Browns Sunday: Getting my dad a foil hat for Christmas. He truly believes all games are fixed. My dad just called the ref an "assburg." Me: Did you just call him an assburg? My dad: I dunno. Does it matter? Jets player injured. Being taken off on backboard. My mom points at the tv and says "Look how cute!" I was brought up by savages. My dad: You have no chance at winning. Just injure all of them. Kill them all. My mom is now in on the conspiracy theory.  I said to my dad: You two are really in shitty moods today. My dad: It's football season. Announcer: It's begi...

Facebook post of a conversation between a friend and her youngest child, a 6 year old girl: Little girl: Mom, how old will I be when [oldest brother, 16 yrs. old] is a dad? Friend: {In my head}  Good Lord, at least 20 I hope. {Out loud} Well, we never know how old we will be when we become parents; only God knows. {Apparently not a good enough answer} Little girl:  But how old CAN you be when you have a baby? Friend: Well...sometimes we just don't have an answer. I don't know how old you CAN be, I only know that we wait until God gives us a baby. Little girl: I can't believe you have 6 babies and you have no idea how old you are when you can get them and have no idea how they get in your belly.

Friend's son: I need a ton of hugs. Friend: That's okay. I ordered three tons so I have a ton to share. Friend's son: But hugs are free! I know you didn't have to pay for them. Friend: There are probably people out there who charge for hugs. Friend's son: Hugstitutes.