Saturday, March 25, 2017

RE: Expanding Their Product Line

"I don't like fancy ketchup. I like some good ol' Hanes." - Me being, well, me

RE: Make 'Em Laugh

My Dad to Stella: You should sit down here so you can make me laugh.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

RE: What Lotion Do You Use?

"That's why I'm ticklish everywhere, because of your soft fingers." - The Precious Gem to The Hubby

Monday, March 20, 2017

RE: Did She Have Smellevision?

Precious Gem: Daddy?
My Brother: What?
Precious Gem: You smell like Simone Biles!

RE: "Hair, flow it, show it/Long as God can grow, my hair"

"Hello, and welcome to Carlo's Shitty Wig Emporium, home of the world's most atrocious hairpieces."
"Hey, wig guy, I'm Gene Simmons. You probably know me from being a world-class douche nozzle."
"Aren't you in KISS?"
"Yeah, that's my side gig. Listen, what I'm looking for is a wig that will make my head look like the head of a penis. Just a big, mushroom-like dome."
"Hmm. An unusual request. May I interest you in this one, that looks like a massive spider orgy?"
"No, I had my heart set on the cock head."
"Ah, here's a popular one. It looks like a cotton candy cow pie. We call it 'El Presidente.'"
"Look, wig dude, you're not listening to me. I want my wig to reflect the contents of my pants and the contents of my soul. I want to look like a walking prick."
"I see. Well, I'll have to order it special for you."
"That's what I want. Unless... Can you make my head look like a literal asshole? Like a big, hairy anus?"
"I'm afraid that's beyond the capabilities of modern wig technology."
"Okay, then, dickhead it is."
"Very good, sir. I just need to take some measurements..."

RE: Driving Miss Little Lady

"How come [Hockey Girl] can drive when she's not a parent?" - Precious Gem regarding my 19 year old niece

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

RE: Soylent Green Is People

I looked over and saw a recipe out of the corner of my eye. I read one of the ingredients as, "homeless and skinless chicken breasts".

Saturday, March 4, 2017

RE: Well, You Do Have A Point

Today, as I was walking [The Doggie], we came upon a woman with 4 small children. I took [The Doggie] of the path and onto the grass as we approached. When we passed the group, one of the kids asked to pet [The Doggie]. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea because [The Doggie] isn't always good around little kids. Then, after we were already passed, I hear a little voice say, "But I'm 6."

Thursday, March 2, 2017

RE: Nothing To See Here

Email from Wonder Woman:

"Today, Hockey Girl asked [Precious Gem] if she had a boyfriend. [Precious Gem] giggled and [Hockey Girl] said, 'I bet you do. What's his name?' [Precious Gem] came back with, 'His name is 'zero' cuz I don't have one.'

Good One."