Saturday, March 25, 2017

RE: Expanding Their Product Line

"I don't like fancy ketchup. I like some good ol' Hanes." - Me being, well, me

RE: Make 'Em Laugh

My Dad to Stella: You should sit down here so you can make me laugh.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

RE: What Lotion Do You Use?

"That's why I'm ticklish everywhere, because of your soft fingers." - The Precious Gem to The Hubby

Monday, March 20, 2017

RE: Did She Have Smellevision?

Precious Gem: Daddy?
My Brother: What?
Precious Gem: You smell like Simone Biles!

RE: "Hair, flow it, show it/Long as God can grow, my hair"

https://blogs-images.forbes.com/danschawbel/files/2012/10/GeneSimmons-199x300.jpg?width=960

"Hello, and welcome to Carlo's Shitty Wig Emporium, home of the world's most atrocious hairpieces."
"Hey, wig guy, I'm Gene Simmons. You probably know me from being a world-class douche nozzle."
"Aren't you in KISS?"
"Yeah, that's my side gig. Listen, what I'm looking for is a wig that will make my head look like the head of a penis. Just a big, mushroom-like dome."
"Hmm. An unusual request. May I interest you in this one, that looks like a massive spider orgy?"
"No, I had my heart set on the cock head."
"Ah, here's a popular one. It looks like a cotton candy cow pie. We call it 'El Presidente.'"
"Look, wig dude, you're not listening to me. I want my wig to reflect the contents of my pants and the contents of my soul. I want to look like a walking prick."
"I see. Well, I'll have to order it special for you."
"That's what I want. Unless... Can you make my head look like a literal asshole? Like a big, hairy anus?"
"I'm afraid that's beyond the capabilities of modern wig technology."
"Okay, then, dickhead it is."
"Very good, sir. I just need to take some measurements..."

RE: Driving Miss Little Lady

"How come [Hockey Girl] can drive when she's not a parent?" - Precious Gem regarding my 19 year old niece

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

RE: Soylent Green Is People

I looked over and saw a recipe out of the corner of my eye. I read one of the ingredients as, "homeless and skinless chicken breasts".

Saturday, March 4, 2017

RE: Well, You Do Have A Point

Today, as I was walking [The Doggie], we came upon a woman with 4 small children. I took [The Doggie] of the path and onto the grass as we approached. When we passed the group, one of the kids asked to pet [The Doggie]. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea because [The Doggie] isn't always good around little kids. Then, after we were already passed, I hear a little voice say, "But I'm 6."

Thursday, March 2, 2017

RE: Nothing To See Here

Email from Wonder Woman:

"Today, Hockey Girl asked [Precious Gem] if she had a boyfriend. [Precious Gem] giggled and [Hockey Girl] said, 'I bet you do. What's his name?' [Precious Gem] came back with, 'His name is 'zero' cuz I don't have one.'

Good One."