I Better Write That Down

Commercial for a new show with Lisa Welchel comes on. It's in the time slot of a show my dad hates. My R: Good!! That means that angel shit won't be on anymore.  Stella: Touched By An Angel?  M. R: Yeah. I hate that goddamn show.

Guy in store: Excuse me, what do you use for TV service? The Hubby: Oh, we’re Amish.

"Dead silence just sitting here with my parents watching the Cavs game. Go to commercial break and my dad just yells out, "I wanna puke in this guy's face." Apparently, he is not happy with color announcer this series. My mom is in the kitchen practically pissing her pants laughing. We thought he fell asleep" - Message from Stella regarding Mr. R.

The Hubby: Want to watch "American Horror Story"? Me: Sure. I'm pretty sure that's what I've been watching all week on MSNBC.

"The former USC star patrolling like a sand panther tonight in the backcourt!" - Olympic commentator regarding April Ross' beach volleyball skills

"I need one of those Febreze air fresheners to stick on my nose when Trump is on TV." - Mr. R.

Mr. R: If the Hallmark Channel doesn't go back to showing my "Columbo" soon instead of these goddamn feel good Christmas movies I'm going to storm their headquarters.  Stella: Haven't you seen all the "Columbo"s like 15 times?  Mr. R: So what!

Me: So, the Dem Debate had a commercial and came back with Hillary missing....I think she was stuck in the bathroom taking a shit. At least, that's what I choose to think. Stella: Ha! That would happen to me! Then I would return with the "poop sweats" showing. Me: I'd have tucked something in my pants and/or have toilet paper stuck to me. Stella: My strategy would be to not wipe well so I stink and throw everyone else off their game. Me: HA! Stella: I hate that the Democratic debates are on Saturday nights. I forget they are on. Is Hilary wearing a carpet? Me: I only realized because of Facebook and Twitter. "Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt 2 hours ago Hillary looking fetching in her Ann Taylor Loft "Shaved Chewbacca" sweater frock! #DemDebate". Stella: Yes! My first thought was Berber carpet from Home Depot. Me: I thought burlap sack Stella: Burlap Sac Chic. OMG! Check out @pattonoswalt's Tweet: "We must use Keith Richards to absor...

Messages from Stella: My dad: If my blood pressure isn't at 180 I must be dead. My mom: Then turn the game off.  My dad: There's nothing else on. and: There is nothing like a Browns' game to make my parents start going at each other like a set up to a future "Dateline" with Keith Morrison episode.

"Actually Daddy, he is Jake. He is just pretending to be Jason, but he is actually Jake" - Precious Gem, 4 years old, explaining a "General Hospital" plot line (not quite accurately, actually)   

"I must look nuttier than a squirrel turd right now." - James, "Big Brother 17" contestant

"No more Duggars. I used to like to get upset watching them. Now what will I do?" - Wonder Woman when TLC announced the cancellation of "19 Kids & Counting"

"Ethel Merman & Paul Lynde had a love child bursting forth from Kasha's vocal chords" Ginger Minj talking about the singing of another queen on "RuPaul's Drag Race"

Me: Apparently Lisa Rinna is joining RHBH ("The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"). Stella: Is there room for her lips? Me: My thoughts! They freak me out.  But, Taylor hasn't been around, so I guess she's FILLING a gap. Stella: She probably smells like plastic and shiny sticky lip gloss. Me: And Harry Hamlin's spunk Stella: Yes. That combo seems like a perfume Candie's would produce.

Stella and Mr. R talking "About that dumbass crossing the tightrope in Chicago tonight:" Stella: Dad, you gonna watch the guy tightrope between two buildings in Chicago? Mr. R: Is he guaranteed to fall? And, Mr. R continues on with: 1. Turn it on. [Throws the remote at Stella] 2. Jesus Christ! It's Joel Osteen! WHAT THE HELL?! 3. Jesus...there are actually people there watching this shit. I hope he falls on them all. 4. A real feat would be the Chicago Bears crossing the line. and... 5. Stupid ass waste of TV time. I could be watching another "Murder She Wrote" rerun.

"Do you think Lady Gaga's the version of Madonna you can buy in Chinatown?" - Billy Eichner on "Billy on the Street"

Me: "The 7 Little Johnstons"?  Oh, god. The Hubby: Is that the X-rated version of "Snow White"?

"You are not the C Word, you are an insignificant ass hair." - Gina Liano to Andrea Moss on "The Real Housewives of Melbourne"

Stella: Pittsburgh vs Baltimore tonight on Thursday Night Football. Is mom wandering through the house losing her mind just muttering "bastards?" Mr. R: Mom found the perfect solution. She's sleeping.

Here's a Facebook conversation between me and my cousins based on finding out Aviva Drescher was fired from "The Real Housewives of New York City."  At the end of the season, Aviva tossed her prosthetic leg across a table.  Cousin 1 posted the link on Cousin 2's Facebook page.  For background, Cousin 2 just had surgery for Crohn's Disease to get a colostomy bag. Cousin 1 post:  http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/aviva-drescher-fired-from-real-housewives-of-new-york-201459 Cousin 2 comment: Good, she was an idiot. My comment: LOVE THIS! [Cousin 2], looks like they have an opening! ;) Cousin 2 comment: She has her crazy leg and now I can have my bag! My comment: NICE! Cousin 1 comment: Just don't throw it at anyone...or do. My comment: OMG! So, I was just thinking of Ramona 's reaction to getting water splashed on her, imagine...