Monday, December 28, 2015

RE: We Feel The Bern

Me: I love when Bernie says, "Mooslums."
Stella: He's so quaint. Like a Vermont Teddy Bear Company product.
Me: I was thinking more like a Bovine Skid-row
Stella: Like cows dressed like Skid Row?
Me: Like cows in slums
Stella: Ha! That's better than a cow version of Skid Row.
Me: I don't know, that could be pretty hilarious.
Stella: Hits like I Remember Moo and 18 Acres to Life.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

RE: Say Nope To Dope

Mr. R was reading to one of Mr. R, Jr.'s kids.  Mr. R, Jr. comments, "The best part is how he makes up his own stories. Wacky Wednesday is now about bad kids smoking dope behind Convenient."

RE: Let's Get Back To Crime Time Television

Mr. R: If the Hallmark Channel doesn't go back to showing my "Columbo" soon instead of these goddamn feel good Christmas movies I'm going to storm their headquarters. 
Stella: Haven't you seen all the "Columbo"s like 15 times? 
Mr. R: So what!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

RE: Probably Good It's Not House Decorating

[Suburb name] City announcement board: SEND IN YOUR PICTURES OF YOUR DOOR FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DOOR DECORATING CONTEST.

Stella to her parents: Did you guys send in a picture of your front door?
Mr. R: I just sent in the whole goddamned door.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

RE: Two 40-year-olds One Debate

Me: So, the Dem Debate had a commercial and came back with Hillary missing....I think she was stuck in the bathroom taking a shit. At least, that's what I choose to think.
Stella: Ha! That would happen to me! Then I would return with the "poop sweats" showing.
Me: I'd have tucked something in my pants and/or have toilet paper stuck to me.
Stella: My strategy would be to not wipe well so I stink and throw everyone else off their game.
Me: HA!
Stella: I hate that the Democratic debates are on Saturday nights. I forget they are on. Is Hilary wearing a carpet?
Me: I only realized because of Facebook and Twitter. "Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt 2 hours ago Hillary looking fetching in her Ann Taylor Loft "Shaved Chewbacca" sweater frock! #DemDebate".
Stella: Yes! My first thought was Berber carpet from Home Depot.
Me: I thought burlap sack
Stella: Burlap Sac Chic. OMG! Check out @pattonoswalt's Tweet: "We must use Keith Richards to absorb all of the heroin in the country and then piss it into the sun." #DemDebate
Me: Yeah
Stella: I want Birdman to start illustrating some of his tweets.
Me: YES!!!!
Stella: O'Malley has Legolas ears.
Me: HA!
Stella: Sanders is a Pole?! Now I gotta vote for him.
Me: I gotta vote for him based on the way he talks.
Stella: Hell yeah.
Me: Imagine the State of the Union addresses!
Stella: It would have to include a giant bowl of matzoh ball soup.
Me: And a toast with Manischewitz
Stella: Do you think his breath reeks of Polident?
Me: I'm thinking a generic/lesser brand.
Stella: I think Lady Gaga smells like Vagisil.
Me: HA! I seriously just laughed out loud with the bowl-full-of-jelly action.
Stella: Awesome!!!!!!

RE: Social Norms

Birdman: Well, you want to go get something to eat? 
Stella: Ugh...I have to put pants on.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

RE: Wookiee Whoopee

For some background, Stella has an amazing wookiee impersonation skill. Below is a group chat between The Hubby, Stella, Birdman, and me.

The Hubby: [Stella], here's an opportunity for a little side gig: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH0ZOVT2st8&feature=youtu.be
Stella: Dammit...do you guys really think I could work the wookie sexy sex hotline?
The Hubby: Totally.
Stella: Maybe I can start it up in [Suburb]. There are a couple storefronts that up for rent.
The Hubby: The beauty of a phone sex line is you can work from home!
Stella: I don't want to mix our home life with my phone sex life.
Me: Good point.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

RE: That's The 13th Day, Actually

"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Nothing cause I'm single." - Wonton

RE: A Time & Place For Everything

"You can't break out fringe at 5:00 in the morning." - Wonton filling me in on appropriate purse usage

Sunday, November 15, 2015

RE: It Must Be Browns' Sunday

Messages from Stella:

My dad: If my blood pressure isn't at 180 I must be dead.
My mom: Then turn the game off. 
My dad: There's nothing else on.

and:

There is nothing like a Browns' game to make my parents start going at each other like a set up to a future "Dateline" with Keith Morrison episode.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

RE: Jake Jason Doe Morgan Quartermain

"Actually Daddy, he is Jake. He is just pretending to be Jason, but he is actually Jake" - Precious Gem, 4 years old, explaining a "General Hospital" plot line (not quite accurately, actually)   

Sunday, September 20, 2015

RE: Save The Sillies

A friend's Facebook post the other day:
Today the principal tells me that during the time when they were to all "shake their sillies out, [preschool aged son] first says, 'I don't want to shake my sillies out. I want to keep them.' The next time he says, 'I'll shake some of them out but I want to hold onto some of my sillies!'"

The Hubby's cousin posted this to Facebook:
[Kindergarten aged son] says he doesn't like music class because "we sing a song called 'Shake Your Sillies Out', and I like my sillies, Mom!"

Sunday, September 13, 2015

RE: Oh Snap, Tackle, and Stella's Pop

And so begin the football season messages from Stella:

Our QB is already out with a concussion. Johnny F'n Football is in already. The first Browns extra point attempt took 3 times with 3 flags that took it back to a 48 yard attempt. I'm shocked the kicker's leg didn't fall off. My parents are already not speaking to each other. Welcome to Browns Football 2015.
Browns Sunday:
Getting my dad a foil hat for Christmas. He truly believes all games are fixed.
My dad just called the ref an "assburg." Me: Did you just call him an assburg? My dad: I dunno. Does it matter?
Jets player injured. Being taken off on backboard. My mom points at the tv and says "Look how cute!" I was brought up by savages.
My dad: You have no chance at winning. Just injure all of them. Kill them all.
My mom is now in on the conspiracy theory. 
I said to my dad: You two are really in shitty moods today. My dad: It's football season.
Announcer: It's beginning to rain here in East Rutherford. My dad: No. That's just the tears of the Browns fans.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

RE: The ELF-abet Song

"A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I...I...I hope you find your dad!" - Precious Gem adding a Mr. Narwhal to the song

RE: OPP

"So, did you pee for 10 minutes?" - Overheard by me at baggage claim 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

RE: Well, Of Course!

Me: Why do you have freckles?
Precious Gem: So I can look like [Precious Gem] {sassy head shake}...I almost said [Mini-Me]. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

RE: The View From Here

"I see that we're almost home." - Backseat driving 3-year-old Precious Gem

RE: What Not To Wear

"I can't wear my little pony ones. They give me wedgies all the time." - Three-year-old Precious Gem while choosing underwear

Thursday, August 13, 2015

RE: Touché

Facebook post of a conversation between a friend and her youngest child, a 6 year old girl:

Little girl: Mom, how old will I be when [oldest brother, 16 yrs. old] is a dad?
Friend: {In my head} Good Lord, at least 20 I hope. {Out loud} Well, we never know how old we will be when we become parents; only God knows.
{Apparently not a good enough answer}
Little girl:  But how old CAN you be when you have a baby?
Friend: Well...sometimes we just don't have an answer. I don't know how old you CAN be, I only know that we wait until God gives us a baby.
Little girl: I can't believe you have 6 babies and you have no idea how old you are when you can get them and have no idea how they get in your belly.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

RE: A Fashion No-No When You Have To Go-Go

"Rompers are the enemy of the bladder. They are also a potty training nightmare. They set kids up to fail because even if the kid makes it to the bathroom, they may still have an accident trying to get the damn thing off." - Me

Monday, July 27, 2015

RE: Acorn Poo

"I must look nuttier than a squirrel turd right now." - James, "Big Brother 17" contestant

Thursday, July 16, 2015

RE: No More Counting Kids

"No more Duggars. I used to like to get upset watching them. Now what will I do?" - Wonder Woman when TLC announced the cancellation of "19 Kids & Counting"

Monday, July 6, 2015

RE: Tastes Like...

"The problem with me eating healthy foods is that I can always taste the healthy." - A friend's son

Friday, June 5, 2015

RE: Hoping A Child Was Inside

Today at work, I walked by a woman standing outside the bathroom only to hear her say, as she leaned against the door, "Flush the stool and then wash your hands."

Monday, May 18, 2015

RE: A New PSA

"Never, ever shank a baby!" - Guy doing a scene in my improv class

RE: Um...Your Day Will Come

Wonder Woman and my dad were at my brother's house on Mother's Day.  When they were leaving Precious Gem ran to say goodbye and give kisses. To Wonder Woman she says, "Happy Mother's Day." Then goes to my dad and says, "Happy uh...Sunday."

Sunday, May 3, 2015

RE: She Told Her (Incorrectly)!

Scrubs tells Precious Gem to pull up her pants before pulling up her skort. Precious Gem says,"They're not pants; they're pierogis." She meant capris. I think they were capri length leggings.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

RE: Arms Wide Open

Friend's son: I need a ton of hugs.
Friend: That's okay. I ordered three tons so I have a ton to share.
Friend's son: But hugs are free! I know you didn't have to pay for them.
Friend: There are probably people out there who charge for hugs.
Friend's son: Hugstitutes.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

RE: Please Pass The Gravy...And Applesauce?

On Mini-Me's 8th birthday, I got a text from Scrubs. It was a picture of Mini-Me holding a jar of gravy and a jar of applesauce from my parents...that she asked them to get.  I emailed my parents to see what that was all about.  Wonder Woman's response:
Here's the scoop.   A few weeks ago I asked Miss [Mini-Me] what she wanted for her b-day.  She said, emphatically, "No clothes!"  So I said, "Then what do you want?"  I thought she said a great big can of ravioli.  So days later, I said, "What do you want besides ravioli?"  She said, "I don't want ravioli; I said gravy."  I said, "Anything else?"  She thought a minute and said, "A big jar of applesauce all for myself."  I gave her the gravy and applesauce on Monday when the family got together.  I figured her friends might not get it or think her Grandmother was NUTS.  Sunday she had a kids' party at the rink.  So that's it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

RE: And That's How Babies Are Born

"Ethel Merman & Paul Lynde had a love child bursting forth from Kasha's vocal chords" Ginger Minj talking about the singing of another queen on "RuPaul's Drag Race"

Friday, March 20, 2015

RE: That About Sums It Up

"Daddy lives in your room because he doesn't have a room of his own." - Said to a friend by her 5-year-old daughter

RE: She Really Is Precious

Email from Wonder Woman regarding Precious Gem:

Yesterday she [Precious Gem] wanted bags. Dad offered her plastic bags (nothing like giving your grandchild plastic bags to play with), but she said, "No." So I scouted around and found 2 brown paper bags that she agreed to.  She put her dolls in them and I asked what she was doing and she said those were...are you ready?...sleeping bags. They are still downstairs asleep on a chair.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

RE: They Say Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention

Friend: [Daughter], stop playing with the water, you are wasting it.
Daughter: But I'm washing my feet.
Friend:You don't need to wash your feet you just took a bath.
Daughter: But I just got off the toilet.
Friend: There is no reason to wash your feet when you get off the toilet.
Daughter: But I was standing on the toilet to go potty
Friend: Uh, why?
Daughter: I stand on the toilet when it's hard to poop; it makes it easier.
Friend: Who told you to do that?
Daughter: I just thought of it, seemed like it would work.
Friend: Does it?
Daughter: Really good.
Friend: Carry on.

Friday, February 13, 2015

RE: Taxes Can Be Taxing

A story from a former co-worker:

I just overheard a conversation between two teenagers working at Walgreens and I'm still reeling!

Teenager A: "I am really confused about what you use a W2 for in the first place."
Teenager B: "I think it's to file taxes, but I just threw mine away because I pay all my taxes up front when I buy things..."

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

RE: The Piano Man?

Me: Shelly went to a Billy Joel concert. She got an autographed drum stick and got to go backstage and meet him. He signed her arm and she got it turned into a tattoo.
The Hubby: Why a drum stick?
Me: I guess it was just something he could easily throw out into the crowd.
The Hubby: Is she a big Billy Joel fan?
Me: Oh yeah, huge! When she was young she had spiky hair and everything.
The Hubby {Not really understanding what having spiky hair had to do with Billy Joel.}: I guess it was safer to throw out drum sticks than autographed pianos.
Me: Did he play the piano?
The Hubby {What? He's the Piano Man!}: Billy Joel?
Me: Billy Idol!
The Hubby: Oh! Well that makes a lot more sense.

(Not sure I said the wrong name, or if he heard the wrong name, but either way, it was worth a good laugh.)

RE: B-A-N-A-N-A-S

"I just cried more into my banana pillow." - Sally, telling a story about her childhood that involved an actual banana being found in her pillow

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

RE: Not Sure If I Want To Know Where Peanut Butter Comes From

"And my daughter just informed me that there was jelly coming out of her nose. Best description of a bloody nose ever. In fact, I'm going to officially adopt it." - Facebook post by a former coworker

RE: I Have No Words

Screen shots Stella sent me:


With a friend:


With Mr. R: