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Showing posts from 2015

RE: We Feel The Bern

Me: I love when Bernie says, "Mooslums." Stella: He's so quaint. Like a Vermont Teddy Bear Company product. Me: I was thinking more like a Bovine Skid-row Stella: Like cows dressed like Skid Row? Me: Like cows in slums Stella: Ha! That's better than a cow version of Skid Row. Me: I don't know, that could be pretty hilarious. Stella: Hits like I Remember Moo and 18 Acres to Life.

RE: Two 40-year-olds One Debate

Me: So, the Dem Debate had a commercial and came back with Hillary missing....I think she was stuck in the bathroom taking a shit. At least, that's what I choose to think. Stella: Ha! That would happen to me! Then I would return with the "poop sweats" showing. Me: I'd have tucked something in my pants and/or have toilet paper stuck to me. Stella: My strategy would be to not wipe well so I stink and throw everyone else off their game. Me: HA! Stella: I hate that the Democratic debates are on Saturday nights. I forget they are on. Is Hilary wearing a carpet? Me: I only realized because of Facebook and Twitter. "Patton Oswalt ‏@pattonoswalt 2 hours ago Hillary looking fetching in her Ann Taylor Loft "Shaved Chewbacca" sweater frock! #DemDebate". Stella: Yes! My first thought was Berber carpet from Home Depot. Me: I thought burlap sack Stella: Burlap Sac Chic. OMG! Check out @pattonoswalt's Tweet: "We must use Keith Richards to absor

RE: Wookiee Whoopee

For some background, Stella has an amazing wookiee impersonation skill. Below is a group chat between The Hubby, Stella, Birdman, and me. The Hubby: [Stella], here's an opportunity for a little side gig : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH0ZOVT2st8&feature=youtu.be Stella: Dammit...do you guys really think I could work the wookie sexy sex hotline? The Hubby: Totally. Stella: Maybe I can start it up in [Suburb]. There are a couple storefronts that up for rent. The Hubby: The beauty of a phone sex line is you can work from home! Stella: I don't want to mix our home life with my phone sex life. Me: Good point.

RE: It Must Be Browns' Sunday

Messages from Stella: My dad: If my blood pressure isn't at 180 I must be dead. My mom: Then turn the game off.  My dad: There's nothing else on. and: There is nothing like a Browns' game to make my parents start going at each other like a set up to a future "Dateline" with Keith Morrison episode.

RE: The Browns Are Still Kicking

Texts between Stella and Mr. R during Sunday football:

RE: Save The Sillies

A friend's Facebook post the other day: Today the principal tells me that during the time when they were to all "shake their sillies out, [preschool aged son] first says, 'I don't want to shake my sillies out. I want to keep them.' The next time he says, 'I'll shake some of them out but I want to hold onto some of my sillies!'" The Hubby's cousin posted this to Facebook: [Kindergarten aged son] says he doesn't like music class because "we sing a song called 'Shake Your Sillies Out', and I like my sillies, Mom!"

RE: Oh Snap, Tackle, and Stella's Pop

And so begin the football season messages from Stella: Our QB is already out with a concussion. Johnny F'n Football is in already. The first Browns extra point attempt took 3 times with 3 flags that took it back to a 48 yard attempt. I'm shocked the kicker's leg didn't fall off. My parents are already not speaking to each other. Welcome to Browns Football 2015. Browns Sunday: Getting my dad a foil hat for Christmas. He truly believes all games are fixed. My dad just called the ref an "assburg." Me: Did you just call him an assburg? My dad: I dunno. Does it matter? Jets player injured. Being taken off on backboard. My mom points at the tv and says "Look how cute!" I was brought up by savages. My dad: You have no chance at winning. Just injure all of them. Kill them all. My mom is now in on the conspiracy theory.  I said to my dad: You two are really in shitty moods today. My dad: It's football season. Announcer: It's begi

RE: Touché

Facebook post of a conversation between a friend and her youngest child, a 6 year old girl: Little girl: Mom, how old will I be when [oldest brother, 16 yrs. old] is a dad? Friend: {In my head}  Good Lord, at least 20 I hope. {Out loud} Well, we never know how old we will be when we become parents; only God knows. {Apparently not a good enough answer} Little girl:  But how old CAN you be when you have a baby? Friend: Well...sometimes we just don't have an answer. I don't know how old you CAN be, I only know that we wait until God gives us a baby. Little girl: I can't believe you have 6 babies and you have no idea how old you are when you can get them and have no idea how they get in your belly.

RE: Um...Your Day Will Come

Wonder Woman and my dad were at my brother's house on Mother's Day.  When they were leaving Precious Gem ran to say goodbye and give kisses. To Wonder Woman she says, "Happy Mother's Day." Then goes to my dad and says, "Happy uh...Sunday."

RE: Arms Wide Open

Friend's son: I need a ton of hugs. Friend: That's okay. I ordered three tons so I have a ton to share. Friend's son: But hugs are free! I know you didn't have to pay for them. Friend: There are probably people out there who charge for hugs. Friend's son: Hugstitutes.

RE: Mom Likes Thigs

Mini-Me wrote this about her mom, Scrubs:

RE: Please Pass The Gravy...And Applesauce?

On Mini-Me's 8th birthday, I got a text from Scrubs. It was a picture of Mini-Me holding a jar of gravy and a jar of applesauce from my parents...that she asked them to get.  I emailed my parents to see what that was all about.  Wonder Woman's response: Here's the scoop.   A few weeks ago I asked Miss [Mini-Me] what she wanted for her b-day.  She said, emphatically, "No clothes!"  So I said, "Then what do you want?"   I thought she said a great big can of ravioli.  So days later, I said, "What do you want besides ravioli?"  She said, "I don't want ravioli; I said gravy."  I said, "Anything else?"  She thought a minute and said, "A big jar of applesauce all for myself."  I gave her the gravy and applesauce on Monday when the family got together.  I figured her friends might not get it or think her Grandmother was NUTS.  Sunday she had a kids' party at the rink.  So that's it.

RE: She Really Is Precious

Email from Wonder Woman regarding Precious Gem: Yesterday she [Precious Gem] wanted bags. Dad offered her plastic bags (nothing like giving your grandchild plastic bags to play with), but she said, "No." So I scouted around and found 2 brown paper bags that she agreed to.  She put her dolls in them and I asked what she was doing and she said those were...are you ready?...sleeping bags. They are still downstairs asleep on a chair.

RE: They Say Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention

Friend: [Daughter], stop playing with the water, you are wasting it. Daughter: But I'm washing my feet. Friend:You don't need to wash your feet you just took a bath. Daughter: But I just got off the toilet. Friend: There is no reason to wash your feet when you get off the toilet. Daughter: But I was standing on the toilet to go potty Friend: Uh, why? Daughter: I stand on the toilet when it's hard to poop; it makes it easier. Friend: Who told you to do that? Daughter: I just thought of it, seemed like it would work. Friend: Does it? Daughter: Really good. Friend: Carry on.

RE: Taxes Can Be Taxing

A story from a former co-worker: I just overheard a conversation between two teenagers working at Walgreens and I'm still reeling! Teenager A: "I am really confused about what you use a W2 for in the first place." Teenager B: "I think it's to file taxes, but I just threw mine away because I pay all my taxes up front when I buy things..."

RE: The Piano Man?

Me: Shelly went to a Billy Joel concert. She got an autographed drum stick and got to go backstage and meet him. He signed her arm and she got it turned into a tattoo. The Hubby: Why a drum stick? Me: I guess it was just something he could easily throw out into the crowd. The Hubby: Is she a big Billy Joel fan? Me: Oh yeah, huge! When she was young she had spiky hair and everything. The Hubby {Not really understanding what having spiky hair had to do with Billy Joel.}: I guess it was safer to throw out drum sticks than autographed pianos. Me: Did he play the piano? The Hubby {What? He's the Piano Man!}: Billy Joel? Me: Billy Idol! The Hubby: Oh! Well that makes a lot more sense. (Not sure I said the wrong name, or if he heard the wrong name, but either way, it was worth a good laugh.)

RE: I Have No Words

Screen shots Stella sent me: With a friend: With Mr. R: