Saturday, June 24, 2017

RE: A Dog Walks Up To A Water Bowl...

The Doggie: Hey, can you give me some feedback on my standup routine?
The Hubby: Sure, let's hear what you've got.
The Doggie: Okay. (ahem) So, the other day I was trying to buy a new stereo. I go into the store, and there's this bird--
The Hubby: Let me stop you right there. Is this going to involve woofers and tweeters?
The Doggie: ...yeah...
The Hubby: I'd stay away from puns. Got anything else?
The Doggie: Uh, how about this... You ever notice how Irish setters sniff butts like "It's time for a weeeee bit o' the butt sniffin'" and German shepherds sniff butts like "Ja! Now is ze time to sniffen ze butts!"
The Hubby: Eh...
The Doggie: Too breedist?
The Hubby: Well, kinda, but it's also really hacky. Like, that's 1985 open mic material. The accents were good, though!
The Doggie: Oh...
The Hubby: Hey, don't be discouraged. Just keep working at it, and I'm sure you'll come up with something!
The Doggie: Okay. Actually, I did have one other idea. I was thinking I could tell little stories about you and me. Like, I'd canopomorphize you, and--
The Hubby: What's canopomorphize?
The Doggie: That's when you assign canine attributes to non-canine objects.
The Hubby: Oh, I get it, so you'd make it out like I could talk like a dog?
The Doggie: Right. And I'd just talk about how you're constantly perplexed by the simplest things, like how I poop and stuff. Like you'd just be obsessed with my basic bodily functions. Or you couldn't figure out why I bark when I hear dangerous intruders outside. Stuff like that.
The Hubby: Hmm. Sounds like really solid material. If you could pull it off, I think it'd be great. One thing, though. That sounds like it would be more suited to occasional Facebook posts than a standup routine.
The Doggie: Okay, I can see that. Oh, and eventually, once I'd run out of ideas, I could just get really meta with it.
The Hubby: Ooh, I like that!

Friday, June 23, 2017

RE: Pee Pee Patterns

The Hubby posting again:

The Doggie on a walk: I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and I'm gonna pee on this, and...

The Doggie in the back yard, while I'm waiting to go to bed: Should I pee here? No, that's not right. How about here? No... Oh, I know, I'll pee right h-- nope, that's not it either... Hmm...

Thursday, June 22, 2017

RE: That's My Boy

Posted by The Hubby:

The Doggie, hearing literally any noise outside: Oh my god, there's someone out there! Battle stations! They're trying to get us! Why aren't you freaking out, this is serious! I'll try to scare them off by growling and barking!

The Doggie, when literally anyone comes into the house: Oh my god, company! Hi, hi there! Come in! Hello, hi! I'm so happy to see you, hello! Here, have a stuffed animal!

Sunday, June 4, 2017

RE: Pet Pooping

The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.
The Hubby: Okay.
The Doggie: Just let me get into position, and... psych!
The Hubby: ?
The Doggie: I'm not going to poop there, ha ha! It was a prank!
The Hubby: How is that a prank?
The Doggie: You just got [Doggied], son! Ha ha ha!
The Hubby: Okay...
The Doggie: Ha ha ha ha! Hoooo boy... I can't believe you fell for that!
The Hubby: Whatever. Let's go.
The Doggie: Hold on, I'm gonna poop.