I Better Write That Down

Text from Holla about Pi: "OMG Mom's gettin' a 21st century phone today!!"

"Ummm, I'm not getting wifi here!" - Mini-Me while playing on an iPod in the car

"I almost swallowed my mouth." - Sally

Sandy Hook School  Credit Hoa Nguyen Cinderella and Mini-Me are currently the ages of the children at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I can't imagine my life without them.  No one should ever have to experience the tragedy that took place this day or any other day.  Let us not forget to love one another.  Let us remember the joy and innocence of children.

Mini-Me: Daddy, you're a tater totter. Daddy: What's a "tater totter?" Mini-Me: It's a thing that goes up and down.

From my brother, Mini-Me's dad: Mini-Me is reading Howard Zinn's Voices of a People's History of the United States looking for her sight words.  Mini-Me: "The table of contents is very helpful.  It helps you find the pages."

I got this email from Stella on Nov. 5th: So, at 2:30am this morning, our phone rings. Holy crap, right? It's a robo call about VOTING!!!! So, I tracked the number down to the [political candidate] office in Columbus and sent them this email. Bastards. Subject: Thank You SO MUCH - A Letter of Gratitude Hi- I would just like to thank you for calling me at 2:30am today from Columbus, Ohio. I definitely needed a reminder that there is a presidential election coming up. You see, I've been living under a rock for the past year and your phone call in the wee hours of the night made me peek my small, sun deprived head out from under my cozy moss covered home to answer your robo-call just in time for me to get out and ROCK THE VOTE tomorrow. Ha! You see what I did there? "Rock the vote" and I live under a rock....clever, eh? Perhaps, one day I can return the favor. Maybe I can call you at 3:45am on a Wednesday to remind you "Hey! It's Friday in 2 days!" or m...

"Be a man!" - Mini-me after accidentally hitting her female cousin in the face & her cousin saying, "OW!"

"His little balls are so cute." - Some little kid at the table next to us at a restaurant

This was given to Scrubs from Cinderella:

"I've been on food stamps and welfare, did anybody help me out?  No.  No." - Craig T. Nelson (2009, but never gets old)

"What does your vagina tell you to do?" - The Hubby while watching a contestant on "Big Brother" go on about her mind telling her one thing and her heart another

Cinderella & Mini-Me were playing the Game of Life and their baby sister was also in the vicinity.  Here is what Scrubs hears: Mini-Me:  Woo-hoo, Cinderella, I just sued you!!!  But, we can still be friends. Then Cinderella yells: Mom, will you get baby sister?  She is eating the pieces of Life."

"I like the way you fold, but I do it more better." - Mini-Me to Scrubs after emptying out her dresser

"If God is pro-life, why does he let people die?  Isn't death just the body self-aborting" - Stella, in response to a "God is pro-life" bumper sticker

"These people are sick.  Really sick.  Did you know that?" - Mr. R watching "Toddlers & Tiaras"

"This armpit has hair and this one doesn't." - Boy Scout at Amtrak Station

"I know cats aren't dogs, but they do have personalities." - Sally at dinner

Me to The Hubby at dinner: My parents will be here during our anniversary. Sally: I'll babysit.

Text from Stella: "Guy at rest stop on turnpike: I'm not really hungry.  I'll just get a grilled steak burrito...and a chicken bacon sandwich."

Texting with Stella: Stella: Andy Griffith died.  Again, someone who I thought was already dead. Me: Yeah, I had that thought. Stella: When Maurice Sendak died in May, I thought the same thing...and we had even gone to his museum in Philly a few years ago.  I guess I should just stop assuming everyone is dead.

"My cousin's girlfriend dresses like a slutty toddler." - Stella's sister-in-law

Stella: Teresa to Jacqueline, "I like that dress. You look like you should be in South Africa.  It's very Aztec-y." Me: How did I miss that? Stella: It was last week's episode...when Teresa goes over to Jacqueline's house to talk about magazine shit. Me: I guess I didn't pay attention.  Wish you watched oc ["Real Housewives of Orange County]. Stella: I don't know if I could handle that much more stupidity in my life.

Me: Thought this lady was bat shit, but she's got a bluetooth thing that I didn't notice at first. Stella: Ha...love that shit.

"Dumb, fucking, punk ass kid in line in front of us at Chipotle asked 3 times, 'Does the guac have pork in it?'" - Stella

Me: Cake boss is younger than us. Stella: No. Absolutely not.

"Every time this show is on, I think the tv is broken because everyone is so orange." - Birdman about "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

"I'd give up my kid for a pig." - Overheard by a friend in the livestock area at a fair

"Oh, the 3 stoogers!!!  Is this a new one?!" - Mini-me bonding with her dad

"If your going to live in the middle of nowhere, you should live in a middle of nowhere house" - Sally when we drove by newly built houses outside a small town

Guy: My car has a sticker that says, "Vote Satan." The Hubby: I didn't realize he was running. Guy: He's always running in some form, right?

"My hair smells like Facebook." - What Stella thinks she overheard at a comic convention

"Kristen Stewart looks like she reeks of STDs." - Stella while looking through a magazine

"I don't know what's going to happen between me and Jesus Barbie." - Tamra on "Real Housewives of Orange County"

"I have a hard enough time keeping from shitting myself as it is." - Me on why I don't plan to run a marathon

"I basically just told a rep he can "bite me" in an email.  These reps are lucky I don't live anywhere near them...I would find their house and shit on their front door." - Stella

Text from Birdman: We have a page on the intranet that introduces new employees, includes a photo and a blurb--a bio, what their job will be, etc.  One recent new employee's blurb is 3 sentences about his glass eye, nothing more.

Text from Stella: In the parking lot at Lowe's guy says to his wife, "Don't forget to put my balls back!"

Scrubs: [Mini-Me], what did you ask me?? Mini-Me: Nothing, Mommy.  I think you're hearing voices in your head.

Teresa: So, I get a text from my brother yesterday.  After what happened at Kathy's he says maybe we should go see a physical therapist together. Jacqueline: Uh you mean a therapist.

Birdman: When do the Olympics start? Stella: August. Birdman: What about the Animal Olympics?  Ever watch that? Stella: Yeah...in the 80s. Birdman: I watched the shit out of that show.

Text from Stella: Outside Home Depot in the car next to us some lady says to an old lady in the backseat of the car, "You going in, Ma?  It's not a restaurant!"

"Costa Rica is in Mexico." - Alexis from "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

"Romanis are so OCDC on cleanliness." - Gypsy woman on "My Big Fat American Gypsy"

"Looks like World's Dumbest!" - Mini-Me after seeing this video on the "Today Show:"

Miley Bieber: I want to wear heels at my funeral. Her friend: Your feet don't even show. Miley Bieber: They cut your feet off?!?!

"The eyes are the nipples of the face." - 14 year old American gypsy

Stella: Tour of Turdstruction continues its reign of terror...currently showing a Michigan rest stop no mercy. Me: Good!  Is it in Flint?  They're used to getting shit on. Stella: OMG...it actually is! and, later: Stella: Stop 2 of Tour of Turdstruction...Bronner's Christmas Store in Frankenmuth.  Dropping yule logs while listening to "I'll Be Home for Christmas."

"What--is today like queso de mayo or something?" - Overheard by Birdman

Gleek performs Slam poetry and has a piece entitled "Prima Donna"  Someone thought it was called "Pre Madonna."

What Stella heard her mom say: I do enjoy snatch. What Stella's mom said: I do enjoy "Smash."

Textersation with Stella: Stella: I'm on a bus between Chicago & [hometown]...and everyone on it sucks 16 assholes...gonna shank them all. Me: Nice Stella: No...it's not...it sucks. Later Stella: It's so fucking hot on this bus.  I'm dead aren't I?  I'm in some level of hell. Me: Noo, you can't be.  I need you! Stella: Guy chewing with his mouth open and now sucking on his fingers and kissing on his chick.  I'm on the verge of weeping.  HOLY FUCK...the chick just coughed against the window and her cough wind blew in my face.

"I'd like to thank Dick Clark for finally dying so my New Year's Eves no longer have to be uncomfortable." - Stella

As Stella was traveling to Chicago, I received some texts: "Riding on Amtrak to Chicago and some guy just ran up the aisle yelling, "PANCAKES!  SAUSAGE!  SCRAMBLED EGGS!" "Finally doze off and a heard of Mennonites get on the train and don't SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOTHER FUCKERS!  Also...they are sitting right behind me." "Ok, I thought this lady sitting by me was retarded...she's not...she has a daughter and is just really socially awkward."

"It's like he has rich asperger's." - The Hubby on Mitt Romney's inability to think before speaking when trying to relate to Joe Average American

"Oh, how funny! Yesterday I was telling Cinderella about how funny the english language is and she  has homophobes for homework!" - Wonder Woman

"I am going to make a show about goth kids who sing and dance.  I'm going to call it "Glum."" -The Hubby

"Grandma, did you know that my daddy sings in the bathroom?  I love him anyway." and, later, still talking about daddy: "Sometimes he is obnoxious." - Mini-Me

Me: All I can think of while watching Carnie Wilson singing mama and the papa's songs just makes me think of mama cass....Wow, that was a fucked up sentence. Stella: And that makes me think of the Scooby Doo episode with Mama Cass in the candy factory...which then makes me think of the Neapolitan ghosts...which the makes me think of grapefruit with whipped cream and a cherry because that is what Mama Cass/Carnie Wilson eats at the end of the episode...which then makes me think of the ham sandwich she apparently choked on.  Follow that fucked up train of thought.

Stella: How many calories does one burn when they are pooping? Birdman: This site says you burn 70 calories per hour while pooping.  Who poops for an hour?!  My legs start to fall asleep after 10 minutes.  Don't yours? Stella: No.  Maybe cause you are taller.

"This is the worst Indians team I have seen in my ENTIRE life.  They can't pitch, they can't hit and they get injured wiping their asses." - Mr. R

"STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" - Overheard coming from a restaurant kitchen

"After I eat a lot, I just want to poop and sleep." - Sally, at breakfast

Birdman: Kid Rock's Tour of Detroit on "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives." Stella: Does he just take us to every Waffle House in Detroit? Birdman: Yes.  It's an entire half an hour of Waffle Houses.

"I walked in and they rearranged the classroom.  I said, "WHAT THE?."  But, I didn't really say it, I just said it in my head." - Mini-Me, who turns 5 today!

"Ok, so, I'm walking in the Metroparks and I just came around the bend to  start heading up Hell Hill as I call it. Coming toward me, down the hill, is an older guy. Because I'm a nice fucking person, I always smile and nod  to fellow walkers, runners, bikers, crazy rollerbladers, etc. A crazy  psycho may think twice about killing me if I'm nice to them. Anyway, the  old guy and I exchange "good mornings" and I continue hauling my fat ass up  Hell Hill. Hell Hill winds up the side of a cliff and I can see the path  that I was just on below me. So, I'm huffing and puffing my way up and I  look down and I see the old guy flashing me his ass. I'm like "Oh. My.  God. Is he a perv flashing me?! Its his ass and not the front junk, but  it's still a flash...holy crap!!" Then I look closer and I see that he is  making dump cake right there off the side of the path! His feet are on the  path still and he is sort of in this 3/4 squat just dro...

"[Her] legs are eating her shorts." - Heard at work

Scrubs: [Mini-Me], you will be 5 in 5 days. Mini-Me: Great, will I be 6 in 6 days??

"Aubrey popped right out of her mama's chotch and started grabbing onto the stripper pole!" - Clay Aiken regarding Aubrey O'Day

"So, I just said to [Holla], 'Come here to [The Hubby] this card for sign.'  Then, went to say, '[Gleek], you [The Hubby] it, too.' I am turning into mom more each day." - Text from Pi

Stella is a designer who comes up with paint color schemes for a variety of businesses.  Here is a request from a client for a hotel chain: "The outside PILLARS can have 2 color , one UP stairs and OTHER one for  down staira.   like a sandwitch ICE CREAM. Give me TWO choices."  

"Mini-Me in the bra section of target, 'I can't remember what these are called so I'll just call them boobies.'" -Text from Scrubs about the shopping trip

"Just drove by a guy juggling what looked like knives in the middle of a field in the M-parks." - Text from Stella

"I just drove past a guy riding a tricycle with a windshield.  [City where Stella lives] freaks are out in full force."

Guy at the post office: Ga a ga gay. Stella: Did you say, "Have a good day?" Guy: Yes. Stella: Gank goo.

"Me and Jionni are getting married, I feel, when he purposes.  And, I don't know when that is, but he better do it within the future." - Snooki from "The Jersey Shore"* *I watch a lot of crap on tv, but I do not watch this.  My only "Jersey Shore" viewing takes place when "The Soup" plays clips.

My old boss:    M, you should look for a show called finding Bigfoot. It is probably the dumbest show on the air, and these people are dead serious about what they do. Me: I've heard about it, but I've never seen it...Kind of like Bigfoot himself.

"I was just reading through old posts on your blog. I was laughing so hard that: 1. tears were running down my face; 2. I almost peed on the couch; 3. I pulled a muscle in my back; and, 4. I interupted Joe* cleaning his crotch." - Text from Stella *Pet cat

"He doesn't look a day over dead." - Me during Willard Scott's Smucker's Birthday segment on "Today" *I don't like to quote myself on here very often, unless it is related to the quote of another person.  However, this one made The Hubby laugh, which is my sole purpose in life, so I figured it was worth posting.

"I looooooove onion rings, I just don't like the onions!"  & "I want peanut butter & jelly with no jelly." - Mini-Me

Received this photo in a text from Stella with the following quote from Birdman: "Want a portrait of Kenny Loggins?  Our Lord & Savior, Kenny Loggins." Followed by a text from Stella's brother saying: "Our Kenny, who art in Nashville, hallowed by thy name.  Thy records play, thy lyrics be sung, on radio and live.  Give us this song, our daily song, now and forever.  AmFm." Then, this text from a mutual friend: "Please get me one!  I really thought it was Jesus!"

"You should get some Pajama Pants to wear with your Forever Lazy.  It would be like a black hole of comfort.  You would never be able to get out." - Birdman to Stella

Stella: Save us Jebus, Snooki is pregnant. Birdman: KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

"They're like the female Laurel & Hardy." - The Hubby when watching Rose Byrne & Melissa McCarthy present an award on the Oscars

" When are they going to get around to colorizing ' The Artist' ?" - The Hubby

"Making Glenn Close look like a man isn't all that much of an achievement." - The Hubby about make-up artist nominees for Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs"

"That fabric looks like it's made of caul fat." - The Hubby upon seeing Rooney Mara's dress for the Oscars

Me: WTF? The necklace on the grandma! Stella: I know...think I'll slice a fucking rock up and wear it. - Texts between Stella and me about a woman wearing a geode necklace on the red carpet at the Oscars

"Walking around with a man's hand up our asses most of the time." - The Hubby speaking as Ryan Seacrest after hearing Seacrest talk about having things in common with Kermit the Frog

"He has no sideburns.  I don't trust a man with no sideburns." - Birdman about a politician

"Girl, Milan just danced circles around you and swiffered the floor with his taint." - Willam commenting on the Lip-Sync-For-Your-Life competition on "RuPaul's Drag Race"

"Irony is so ironic." - Phaedra Parks on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"

Text exchange with Stella: Stella: It never fails...I bleach & clean the toilet and then have a massive explosive shit...WTF? Me: I hear ya. Stella: Seriously...it is like my butt hole is one of those wacky sprinklers! Me: Ha!" Stella: I may be pooping out corn I ate 4 years ago.... Me: I think corn just multiplies in there.

"Did you see where the Animal Detective League is mad for companies using animals in their commercials?" - Mr. R

Cinderella: "The Super Bowl sounds exciting but it sure isn't exciting!"

"I bet it smells like prostitutes." - Miley Bieber upon finding out Snooki has her own perfume

"Z for zipper.  Zip your mouth right up." -Mini-Me doing alphabet flashcards.

"If Lebron ever comes back to play here, I will piss...I will piss on EVERYTHING!  Piece of pig shit." - Mr. R

"Can you turn this song off?  It's scary!" - Mini-Me upon hearing Leonard Cohen's "Darkness"

What I said: Jar Jar Martin What I meant to say: George R R Martin *A quote from Jar Jar Binks in "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

"It makes me happy when mommy cries." - Little girl on "Toddlers & Tiaras"

"Stepping out of the Forever Lazy is what I imagine it feels like for a baby emerging from the womb...cold, cruel world." - Text from Stella

"I bet she has a 4 inch clitoris." The Hubby upon seeing one of the chicks from "Mob Wives," who seems like she may have been a man at some point

"I'm going to turn into a Chinese." - Miley Bieber talking about all the Chinese food she's been eating

Scrubs: Thank you, [Mini-Me], for finding my snow brush. Mini-Me: You're welcome. I'm pretty helpful...and squeezable...

"He looks like a grasshopper." - Mr. R upon seeing Steven Tyler on a commercial for "American Idol"

"I wouldn't call myself an addict because why would I?" - Richard, a regular user of meth, on "Intervention"

"That's okay [Precious Gem], accidents happen." - Mini-Me to her one month old baby sister when the baby pooped

"Oh, there it is behind the Chinese takeover." - Gleek trying to find something in the fridge

"It sounds like a walrus having diarrhea." - Holla describing how her brother sounded when he was demonstrating some background music for us

"I teach fucking PSR [Parish School Reglion]!" - Thecla, on a rant about scheduling conflicts

"Pin the door on the donkey." - Mini-Me talking about I have no idea what

"Come see the owls." - Wonder Woman telling Mini-Me to look at the PENGUIN puzzle