"Get out of his ass!" and "She's just so many words." and "She's like the Bible." - Things Sally said at the dinner table to the dog and about her former boss
Texts between Stella and her brother again: Brother: Dirty look at target when someone saw me spelling "twat" with the letter mugs. *** Then, a message from Stella to me: Twattin' it in the family today I guess.
Freckles posted this about an interaction she had at work: Me: Can you spell that, please? Client: I as in eyeball. I stopped listening after that. Disconnected for stupidity.
"It's like when I bar-tended and one of the regulars wanted to name her future baby "diarrhea" because the word, not what it stands for, is just beautiful." - Pi in response to RE: The Pee Of Tranquility
A Facebook status from a friend: Today at work, an older lady was in the stall next to me and complimented me on the sound of my pee. She said it sounded "so tranquil"...so I've got that going for me. The crazies find me. Everywhere.
Me: Apparently Lisa Rinna is joining RHBH ("The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"). Stella: Is there room for her lips? Me: My thoughts! They freak me out. But, Taylor hasn't been around, so I guess she's FILLING a gap. Stella: She probably smells like plastic and shiny sticky lip gloss. Me: And Harry Hamlin's spunk Stella: Yes. That combo seems like a perfume Candie's would produce.
Stella and Mr. R talking "About that dumbass crossing the tightrope in Chicago tonight:" Stella: Dad, you gonna watch the guy tightrope between two buildings in Chicago? Mr. R: Is he guaranteed to fall? And, Mr. R continues on with: 1. Turn it on. [Throws the remote at Stella] 2. Jesus Christ! It's Joel Osteen! WHAT THE HELL?! 3. Jesus...there are actually people there watching this shit. I hope he falls on them all. 4. A real feat would be the Chicago Bears crossing the line. and... 5. Stupid ass waste of TV time. I could be watching another "Murder She Wrote" rerun.
From a friend about her substitute teaching gig of the day: "Miss, since it didn't work the first time, should I rub my belly when I poop?" A quick summary of my day teaching first and second grade. I told her she could do what she wants but I didn't know if it would work. She came back and informed me that it does work and I should try it.
Various calls a friend from high school has had to deal with lately: Freckles: And what is your relationship to the deceased? Customer: I didn't have relations with my niece. WTH?! Freckles: That was not the question, sir. Who are you in bereavement for? Customer: I ain't gotta answer that until they die. Freckles: [Why me?] *** Freckles: When was your last day of work? Customer: I don't know. Hell, I wasn't there. Freckles: Clearly. *** Customer: Why do I need a Doctor to fill out FMLA papers? He doesn't think I have asthma. Freckles: Do you have asthma? Customer: Yeah! I limp and shit. Freckles: Ok.
Stella: Pittsburgh vs Baltimore tonight on Thursday Night Football. Is mom wandering through the house losing her mind just muttering "bastards?" Mr. R: Mom found the perfect solution. She's sleeping.
Stella's commentary on a visit to a urologist: Having to see a urologist is like walking into "Golden Girls." I'm the youngest person here by about 50 years. Some of these people were old during Prohibition. OMG! I just heard an old guy yell, "I CAN'T GET MY OLD PETER UP!" I am scarred for fucking life.
Mr. R talking about "The assholes at the donut shop who get on their cell phones to ask people what kind of donuts they want"..."I want to say 'How about the dozen I'm gonna pound up your ass?'"
Mr. R watching the season opener for the Browns. :50 seconds left in the 1st quarter and Pitt scores: "If they would have hung on for less than a minute more, they could have been tied at the end of the 1st quarter. Cleveland could have called this a successful season then. Too late now." *** "This is shameful for Cleveland! SHAMEFUL!! Gimme some cookies."
Here's a Facebook conversation between me and my cousins based on finding out Aviva Drescher was fired from "The Real Housewives of New York City." At the end of the season, Aviva tossed her prosthetic leg across a table. Cousin 1 posted the link on Cousin 2's Facebook page. For background, Cousin 2 just had surgery for Crohn's Disease to get a colostomy bag. Cousin 1 post: http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/aviva-drescher-fired-from-real-housewives-of-new-york-201459 Cousin 2 comment: Good, she was an idiot. My comment: LOVE THIS! [Cousin 2], looks like they have an opening! ;) Cousin 2 comment: She has her crazy leg and now I can have my bag! My comment: NICE! Cousin 1 comment: Just don't throw it at anyone...or do. My comment: OMG! So, I was just thinking of Ramona 's reaction to getting water splashed on her, imagine...
"[Toddler daughter] got in trouble for lying this morning. After 15 minutes of silent reflection, she says 'Mom, I not lying...I not a zebra, I not a monkey, I not a Rollie pollie...' Poor girl thought she was in trouble for being a "lion." Apparently we need to revisit this lesson later!" - A friend's Facebook status
Stella forced a "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding" on Mr. R. His reactions did not disappoint. Mr. R: THEY HAVE BLACK GYPSIES?!?! Stella: That's the priest. Mr. R: Oh. "Love the hats." - Mr. R, sounding just like Hannibal Lector, "Love the suit," according to Stella "Is that a flying Jesus? I just saw a FLYING JESUS!" - Mr. R "Do gypsies own anything in just one solid color? It's all patterned shit." - Mr. R Stella: My dad wants a "My Wild Gypsy Nuns" show. Stella: My dad said her IQ doesn't reach double digits.
Former co-worker to 5 y/o daughter: [Daughter's name], maybe we should rethink this whole school thing. 5 y/o daughter: Listen, you're the one who got us into this mess.
"Watching "The View" and New Edition is on, however, I think the name should probably be changed to Old News." - My Facebook status update the other day
Real Housewife of Melbourne: Where is your accent from? Chef: South Africa. Real Housewife of Melbourne: Ah Zimbabwe? Chef: No, South Africa. Real Housewife of Melbourne: Well, it's still around the same continents you know?
"Mousse is fancy pudding!" - Me yelling at the T.V. while watching "The Real Housewives of the OC" not understanding that the waiter said, "Shrimp Mousse," not "Shrimp Moose."
The Hubby: We just had the most amazingly awkward all-hands-meeting. For some unfathomable reason, our [VP So-and-so] did this stupid interpretive dance skit. It was painful. Me: Wait, was it a joke? The Hubby: Yeah, it was intended to be funny. Me: Oh man...so even as a joke, it didn't work out well? The Hubby: Well, people were laughing, but all of the guys on my team just found it to be painfully awkward. I can't even imagine what possessed him to do it. And it was planned out and rehearsed. He had a costume and music and everything. Me: NO The Hubby: Oh yeah. It was so bad, David Brent wouldn't have done it. Me: OMG!!!
Stella: For fucks sake...Every time I buy a tiny plant, some fuck face asks me if I am making a fairy garden.* Do I look like the kind of person who would make a fucking fairy garden? Birdman: Because you're a LAY-DEE**, and you like LAY-DEE things like fairy gardens & kittens & shit. *I was unaware of fairy gardens being a thing so I googled it . **Birdman is referencing Emily Howard , a character from "Little Britain."
"Some weirdo* came in to do a drug test at my work today. When I picked the urine sample up off the table (not even 2 minutes after he left it) it was cold to the touch. When I told him I couldn't accept the sample, he said (and I kid you not) that he 'drank a lot of ice water' before he came in." - Facebook post by a friend *Could this be the same person?
Stella: WTF is TLC's obsession with gypsies? Me: I don't get what's up with TLC period. Stella: That just made me think, "Why don't they have a show about menstruating women?" Me: Ha! Stella: Wait...menstruating GYPSIES. Me: Menstruating, 500 lb, midget, psychic, gypsies in the ER because of sex involving a strange addiction. Stella: Mind. BLOWN. *Hey, producers, you better not steal my show idea without crediting me and paying me.
Precious Gem (2 yrs. old): My belly hurts...Need medicine. Scrubs: I don't have medicine for your belly. Precious Gem: Yes , lipstick. Scrubs: Putting lipstick on is going to make your belly better? Precious Gem: Yes!!!!
My brother posted on Facebook: "[Cinderella]: '[Mini-Me] is far from a lady. I've seen boys with better posture and manners.' Overexposure to 'Downton Abbey.'"
Not all things captured on this page must be inane and silly. "It does not escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is thanks to so much pain in someone else's." - Lupita Nyong'o while accepting her Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her role in "12 Years a Slave"
Napoleon's Mom*: We are going to the doctor. Napoleon: You are. Not me. Doctors stick you. Napoleon's Mom: But you need a check up. Napoleon: Check yourself. *Napoleon's mom and I went to high school together. She is the one to have dubbed him "Napoleon."
Me: THIS is why I want you to watch Atlanta Housewives...Fights and shit. Watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 6 | Fighting in Lingerie Stella: The statement of 'OMG! They're so little!' in reference to sperm is exactly why I cannot add another Housewives show to my viewing.
Friend (feeling sorry for herself): Sometimes it feels like no one back home remembers me... Friend's 4 year-old daughter: Mama, I remember you! I also remember that I'm hungry and thirsty, will you get me some food? Friend: That girl always reminds me of my priorities (or at least hers!)
Message from Stella: I just opened BitStrips and have the proposal scene ..but it's you proposing to me. Then, further down, you are breaking up with me via BitStrips. It's like a lesbian soap opera.
Friend: Zombies moan because they don't have control over their tongues. Friend's 11 year old son: So they're like Miley Cyrus. *Post's title is a parody of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"