RE: I Can't Even

Various calls a friend from high school has had to deal with lately:

Freckles: And what is your relationship to the deceased?
Customer: I didn't have relations with my niece. WTH?!
Freckles: That was not the question, sir. Who are you in bereavement for?
Customer: I ain't gotta answer that until they die.
Freckles: [Why me?]

***

Freckles: When was your last day of work?
Customer: I don't know. Hell, I wasn't there.
Freckles: Clearly.

***

Customer: Why do I need a Doctor to fill out FMLA papers? He doesn't think I have asthma.
Freckles: Do you have asthma?
Customer: Yeah! I limp and shit.
Freckles: Ok.