I Better Write That Down

Me: What happens when she [Meryl Streep] dies? The Hubby: There will be no more movies.

The Hubby: Come on, Buddy, it's dark out. The Doggie: All the more reason to be vigilant. I may not be the hero {insert city} deserves, but I'm the hero it needs right now.

Doggie and The Hubby on a walk... Doggie: Hang on, I'm going to poop. The Hubby: Okay. Doggie: Okay, this is a good spot. Let me just... The Hubby: Hang on, don't do it there. Come over here a ways. Doggie: Oh, I shouldn't poop? The Hubby: Yes, go ahead, I just didn't want you to do it over there, right next to those people's window. Just do it over here. Doggie: I see, no pooping then. The Hubby: What? No, you can poop, just not over there. Go ahead. Doggie: I understand. I won't poop then. The Hubby: Why are you being like this? I think you're being passive-aggressive. Doggie: I don't know what that is. It sounds like a human thing. The Hubby: Are you going to poop or what? Doggie: No need. The Hubby: -sigh- Fine. Twenty minutes later, at home... Doggie: Take me out, I need to poop. *** Another walk with Doggie... Doggie: GRRRRR The Hubby: What's the matter? Doggie: I hate those guys so much! The Hubby: Who? You mean tho...

The Doggie: >HRK< I'm gonna >HRK< throw up! Here, I'll put it on the carpet. The Hubby: Wait, do it on this tissue! The Doggie: Get that out of my way, I can't >HRK< get to the carpet! HORK-GRK-GRAAAAH! There, made a nice big pile! The Hubby: Goddammit. The Doggie: Hey, there's more! >HRK< I'll make a new pile over here. The Hubby: Don't do it over there, put it here with the rest! The Doggie: HUUURGHHH! Woo, I didn't realize how much I had in me! The Hubby: ... The Doggie: Oh man, trifecta! >HRK< The Hubby: No, wait-- The Doggie: HHHHURK! The Hubby: Great, now there are three piles of vomit on the carpet. The Doggie: I know! Nice, right?

White House Press Briefing. Sarah Huckabee Sanders: The President would like MSNBC and CNN to know that he is rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off him and sticks to you.

Commercial for a new show with Lisa Welchel comes on. It's in the time slot of a show my dad hates. My R: Good!! That means that angel shit won't be on anymore.  Stella: Touched By An Angel?  M. R: Yeah. I hate that goddamn show.

"That guy died a long time ago. He just doesn't have the sense to lie down." - Mr. R on Wilbur Ross

"Your farts are your poop’s cry to get out." - The Hubby

The Hubby: Can you hurry? It's cold out here! The Doggie: I don't feel cold. The Hubby: You're covered in fur! The Doggie: Well, maybe you should have worn something warmer than shorts and flip flops... The Hubby: My pants and shoes were all the way upstairs! The Doggie: How am I the one on the leash?

Guy in store: Excuse me, what do you use for TV service? The Hubby: Oh, we’re Amish.

Mila Stauffer (4 yrs. old): What's gravy? Emma Stauffer (4 yrs. old): It's like turkey sauce. There YouTube Channel

The Hubby had another great walk with The Doggie. As The Doggie and I were walking this morning, he stopped to sniff at a sign post, as he often does. This particular sniff was more thorough than most, and seemed to go on forever. Bored, and anxious about getting to work on time, I said, "Come on, that's enough." "You can't rush this," The Doggie said sagely. "Each scent tells a tale." "Yeah, 'Once upon a time, some dog peed here. The end.'" I gave his leash a petulant little tug. The Doggie looked at me with the infinite patience of a dog. I looked away. "Not just 'some dog,'" he said, as he closed his eyes and resumed sniffing the pole. "This dog is old... male. A Labrador, I think, or at least a lab mix. He was given to a child when he was a puppy. The boy loved him, but he forgot to feed him and clean up after him. His parents grew frustrated, and when the dog chewed up some shoes, they took him to th...

Conversing with the step-daughter.

“Yes, we value life. But, you don’t need to keep pumping out babies like the warrantee’s running out on your vagina.” - The Hubby

Found this oldie the other day: The Doggie: Gosh, mom, why'd we have to come inside? Me: Because it's cold and pouring rain. We were out long enough. The Doggie: But [Neighbor] and his dad were still out there. Me: [Neighbor] and his dad are human adults. They can make that decision for themselves. The Doggie: But you're a human adult. Me: Yes, so I make the decisions for both of us. The Doggie: I wish I was a human adult. Wait until Dad gets home. Me: Ha! He's more strict than me. You'll be lucky to even get out the door. The Doggie: [angst ridden sigh]

Message from Stella about Mr. R.: My dad just told me that he believes Baron Trump is actually Donald Trump's lovechild with Ivanka. I am SO vomiting right now.

The Hubby: Why the hell do you do that? Why do you poop a little bit, then take two steps and poop some more? The Doggie: What, I thought you liked when I did that? The Hubby: WHAT? Why would I like that? The Doggie: I have no earthly idea. But that's what you said. The other day, I was taking care of business, and you said, "Oh, great, just spread it around! I just LOVE a little poop scavenger hunt! The Hubby: That was sarcasm! The Doggie: What's "sarcasm"? The Hubby: It's when you say the opposite of what you mean, so that the other person knows you're annoyed, or you think they're dumb. The Doggie: Wait. You say the opposite of what you actually mean, and people are supposed to know what you're talking about? The Hubby: Well... yeah. The Doggie: Ah. That's a GREAT way to communicate... The Hubby: Okay... The Doggie: Humans are SOOO smart! The Hubby: I get it! The Doggie: That's not stupid AT ALL! Am I doing this right?

"A Chihuahua is the Emotional Support Animal that would need its own Emotional Support Animal." - The Hubby

A friend's post on Facebook: Me: I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it. 9yo: That’s not true, mommy did. Me: That’s not the point!

The Hubby: You smell really nice after your bath! The Doggie: Yeah? Well, you smell like ass. The Hubby: Dude! The Doggie: What? I was just returning the compliment...